Thursday, July 06, 2006

Gates of Hell Welcome Newest CIO, Kenneth Lay

Gehenna – Kenneth Lay, who spent time on Earth as the founder of Enron, and who was convicted in the earthly judicial system for fraud, died July 6, 2006. His eternal soul was swiftly transported to the 9th Circle of Hell, where he was welcomed for all of the misery that he caused humans on earth. Because of his eternal pledge to his dark lord and master, Satan, and the systematic destruction of humans on an almost global scale, Lay was immediately named Chief Infernal Officer, or CIO, a position specifically created for Lay’s brand of deception, greed, duplicitousness and chaos.

“Hail Satan”, minion-of-greed Raexus Maelfus exclaimed, when he heard about Lay’s arrival. “Dude, Lay is like a LEGEND down here. And for him to die before he serves one day in jail, man, Satan gets hooves-up on that one!”

Lay will bypass the usual custom of a millennium of suffering and anguish because of clauses in his contract. Lay, having unique foresight in selling his soul to the devil, insisted on a clause that stated that if he were convicted in the earthly realm, he would not serve a day in prison. His clause also stated that if he were indicted, then he bypasses the Infernal Torture Rites of the Damned. He was also promised an executive-level spot in the infernal realms, if he managed to have earthly pastors endorse him in his obvious guilt.

“This is similar to what the Earth residents called a ‘Golden Parachute’, but we call it the Brimstone Pitchfork”, because the contract signer who requests these clauses create the opportunity to ‘stick it’ to the Prince of Darkness, as it were”, stated Oxzyxz, Chief Counsel for Conscribed Souls. Oxzyxz continued, “Lay should be commended for his amazing foresight.”

As the Chief Infernal Officer, Lay’s duties will include the overseeing of the exchange of human souls for worldly wealth and power, global mayhem, and human suffering. Satan is reportedly pleased with Lay’s work on the earthly realm, and he looks forward to delegating some of the more hands-on infernal activities to a highly qualified person. The Lord of the Flies himself could not be reached for comment at press time.