R. Kelly To Write Memoir - We Have Exclusive Excerpts!

R&B R. Kelly is preparing to enter into a media realm. As reported elsewhere, R. Kelly will be preparing to write his memoirs. In a blockbuster Chubby Afro/Shut'cher Gobbige Mowf EXCLUSIVE, we have acquired leaked first drafts of some of this explosive tome.

R. Kelly (born Robert Sylvester Kelly) begins by telling the world what drew him to the cut-throat, lucrative, and intense business of being an entertainer:

Kelz and his humble beginnings

Very telling. Very telling.

In this yet-untitled memoir, Kelly also explains the creative process behind his hit R&B opera, "Trapped In The Closet, Parts 1 through Infinity":

Kelly details the intense creative process behind "Trapped In The Closet"

The piece-de-resistance of the leaked excerpts is next. Finally free to speak his mind about the child pornography charges that have dogged him for years, Kelly uses his memoir to express exactly how that infamous night went down. Kelly breaking his silence on this issue is incredible. Simply incredible:

R. Kelly finally breaks his silence on the charges that he faced.

We expect that this memoir will set the literary world aflame.

Stay tuned, as we may have more exclusive excerpts in the near future.

Obama Administration Under Fire For Controversial Pardon

Washington, UPI -- Courage.

Courage is the name of the turkey that was pardoned by President Barack Obama on Wednesday, November 25. With a wave of his hand and the utterance of "I hereby pardon Courage so he can live out his days in peace and tranquility", the President spared the turkey from being part of the First Family's Thanksgiving meal, the first since Obama was elected President.

This gesture of mercy towards a creature bound for the dinner plate did not go unnoticed by Republicans and members of the Conservative media. They were quick to pounce on the President's decision to pardon Courage as an example of President Obama's foreign policy shortcomings.

"If he pardons this turkey, what's to stop him from pardoning (alleged 9/11 mastermind) Khalid Sheikh Mohammad?" asked radio commentator and Fox News host Sean Hannity. "This is just the kind of soft appeasement that we've come to expect from this administration. America, I hope you're watching!" Radio host Rush Limbaugh joined the fray by stating on his radio show that "this just goes to show you how soft this man-boy President is. (President) Obama had an animal that was convicted of deliciousness and he just set him free. Just set him FREE. Can you believe that, America? Why, I can see him now going over to Gitmo and granting pardons left and right, just as he did for Courage. Wake up, America! This is a dangerous precedent!"

Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) lamented that "this sort of thing just doesn't happen in my America. I mean, who in their right minds lets a perfectly good turkey go be free, when it could be the centerpiece of a traditional American Thanksgiving dinner? I'll tell you who... someone who doesn't believe in Thanksgiving, or America, that's who!" Bachmann was joined by housewife Ellen Korman, who cried when she thought about the ramifications of the Presidential Pardon. "This is not the America I grew up in", sobbed Korman. "In my America, turkeys were for dinner, and not for pardoning and parading in Disneyland."

Glenn Beck analyzed the pardon on his own show. "You see, what Obama did was that he pardoned Courage. What this really means is that he is letting courage go free... the courage to criticize this administration, the courage to speak up against the socialist regime, the courage to be American and be proud. Obama has decided that the very ideals of courage, freedom and being an American should be relinquished to roam elsewhere."

Former CNN commentator Lou Dobbs stated in an interview with Fox and Friends that the pardon disturbs him. "Maybe it's some sort of Islamicistic tradition where they let turkeys go, or maybe it's something that he brought over from Kenya. I'm not saying that Obama IS a Kenyan Islamacistical traitor to the people of the United States, but if he pardons this turkey, then who's next?" Orly Taitz, lawyer and leader of the "birther" movement, filed a federal lawsuit to have the turkey captured and eaten, and she amended this lawsuit to question President Obama's legitimacy as the leader of the free world.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs was unavailable for comment.

"This Is Not The America I Grew Up In!!!"

It's the next great Battle Cry of the Stupid Conservative.

Sean Hannity

Glenn Beck

Katy Abrams (circled)

What do all of these people have in common? They, and others like them, have been complaining as loudly as they can that because of Barack Obama's Presidency and his daring to reform health care, he is transforming America in ways that make them sick. They have all been grabbing open mikes and shrieking into them that "This is not the America I grew up in!" These folks have corrupted legitimate town-hall discussions that the Democratic Party members are trying to sponsor. The very idea of health care reform for people who can't afford health care is so ghastly, so unimaginable, so downright heinous that it's just... just... it's just unamerican, that's what it is. At least, that's what the people who utter these sentiments would have you believe.

This post isn't about the merits of health care, or the pluses and minuses of the Single Payer Option. This post is about hatred. Violent, intense hatred that is bubbling its way to the surface... hatred that is formed in a cauldron of ignorance, boiling into a witches' brew of potential violence and unrest, being stirred by witches straight out of Shakespearean lore. What is it that have their collective panties in a huge bunch? Is it health care? Is it war? Is it the economy? None of the above, my friends. The thing that has angered up the blood of these people... the thing that has some white people feeling like America is being snatched from them (the irony of them complaining about America being taken from them is so rich that it oughta be poured on pancakes and served with cheese eggs and sausage or bacon... now I'm all hungry... but I digress)... the common denominator that has all of these people showing up at health care rallies carrying GUNS...














...to these rallies... the common denominator is an African-American President of the United States.

These people want us to believe that they're being good, patriotic citizens who are exercising their rights to free speech. To them, I say "Shet'cher gobbige mowf!" The fact is that I don't care who you are, or where you're from, you bring a gun as a SHOW OF FORCE. You bring a gun if you feel SERIOUSLY THREATENED, and not just because a liberal President wants to make sure that an unemployed person won't go bankrupt because they have to go to the doctor. The person on the right was carrying a sign quoting Thomas Jefferson. The quote is pictured here:









Now, on the surface, a quote from Thomas Jefferson is downright patriotic. But the ominous undertone of this sign is getting everyone's attention. You see, this quote is very popular among the right-wing militias. It was also on a t-shirt worn by Timothy McVeigh. Some things may be coincidence. This, however, isn't one of them. A man coming to protest health care sponsored by the President by carrying a gun and a sign with a slogan favored by a domestic terrorist? Sheer coincidence? Right, and I have some oceanfront property in Chicago that I'm willing to unload, cheap.

Back to the original point here, these people are angry that a Black man has gotten way past uppity to the point where he is taking America away from them. These people lament about the America they grew up in... you mean the America with attack dogs and firehoses turned on Black people, Black churches bombed with horrifying regularity, lynchings being as commonplace as church meetings? You mean the America where women were seen at their best when they were barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen? The election of President Obama appears to be the crowning moment of privileged white people's tenuous grip on America. They want to go back to the days of "Pleasantville" and "Andy Griffith", and they want ALL of us to believe that America was better then.

Ask Emmit Till about that America. Ask Malcolm X. Ask Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King. Ask the four little girls who were attending church in Alabama. Ask the thousands who became the "Strange Fruit" that Billie Holliday sang about.

What's that? You CAN'T? Gee, I wonder why. After all, they were just as much a part of "that America" as the images of "Happy Days" and drive-thru diners. The horrors of violence for the sake of keeping the status quo is just about as American as apple pie.

It seems that the election of President Obama has gotten these racists to be bolder about their racism. It began to rear its ugly head during the campaign (there are plenty of videos of Palin/McCain supporters spewing their ugliness in the form of "kill him" and "terrorist"). And as Obama continues to move forward in his Presidency, the cute little whispers by the neo-cons have become all-out rallying cries. They feel that the President isn't a U.S. citizen. They feel that he is secretly a Muslim... or a practitioner of Liberation Theology. "Their America" now has a Black man as a commander-in-chief, and they are scared. They are angry. And as these rallies (again, HEALTH CARE REFORM rallies) demonstrate just how mad they are. Mad enough to accuse the President of ushering in a terrible wave of socialism. Mad enough to say "Heil Hitler" to a Jewish man who was supporting Israel's nationalized health care. Mad enough to shout that their country is being taken away.

Mad enough to carry loaded weapons to a health care rally.

Now, when Bush was President, the Left gave him a lot of "Hitler" grief. But I think that the difference between the Left and the Right is that the Right has more elected officials and serious media sponsors to support, promote, and disseminate the dangerous propaganda that's polluting political discourse. When you have elected officials, people like Lou Dobbs and Sean Hannity, and industry lobbyists all working together to undermine the efforts of the President and paint him as an enemy of the people or some sort of exotic foreign outsider causing trouble, things can only get worse. Very tragically worse.

Just think... with the last administration, people got arrested for wearing ANTI-BUSH T-SHIRTS. Now, you have protesters coming into the picture armed and ready for a fight... even if they have to be the ones that start it.

Mike Steele In The Hour Of Chaos, Part 3 -- I Meant To Do That!

"...thinking of a master plan/

it ain't nothin' but sweat inside my hand..."

-- The great Rakim, "Paid In Full"

Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. On the one hand, I want you to stop being such a disaster. But on the other hand, you stumbling over yourself gives me so much joy that the Surgeon General will deem your failures to be high in cholesterol. It's bad enough that your plan to "hip-hopify" the GOP continues to be the source of great comedic material. It's bad enough when a pin-striped hoodie-wearing Stephen Colbert schools you, as we can see here:



What makes your epic failure more and more enjoyable? Why, I'll let Steele's own words speak for him:

I'm very introspective about things. I'm a cause-and-effect kind of guy. So if I do something, there's a reason for it... It may look like a mistake, a gaffe. There is a rationale, there is a logic behind it... I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they're with me but really isn't."

"It helps me understand my position on the chess board. It helps me understand, where, you know, the enemy camp is and where those who are inside the tent are ...It's all strategic."

Yes, dear readers... Steele said that his calling Rush Limbaugh "incendiary" and "ugly" were all part of a master plan. A master plan that included Steele trying to assert himself as the leader of his party, only to have the de facto leader remind him that he's a stooge that should be seen and not heard... Pee Wee Herman said it best when he said "I meant to do that!" The sad thing (and by sad, I mean "ridiculously hilarious") is that I think that Steele is SERIOUS. He did all of this to "test the waters" and to see who's with him and who isn't. Oh, one more thing. He talks about his position on the chess board and understanding where the enemy camp is. He hasn't even made it to the chess board. Or the checkerboard. At BEST, Steele is one of those little pellets that Pac Man Limbaugh (hey, I like that!) devours in his quest to become a real-life Jabba The Glut. Steele isn't even one of those power pellets that make the ghosts turn blue... he's just one thousands of snacks for the real power brokers in the Republican Party.

This is Steele's plan for a strategy... try to assert yourself as the leader of your party, because, you know, you were elected to do that. Call out the venomous hate-mongering bloviations of a hillbilly-heroin addicted waste of protoplasm. Listen to said protoplasm put you in your place and tell you to dance. You dance, and kick your heels up in ways that would make Shaolin monks and Rockettes green with envy. Then, announce that it was ALL PART OF YOUR MASTER PLAN. Great. It's a good thing that you're not the Commander-In-Chief. With this sort of strategy, you'd declare war on Iran by bombing Canada and then sending Green Berets and Navy Seals to Haiti... and then tell the dead Canadians and Haitians that it was all part of your master plan to weed out the real terrorists. It's a good thing that you'd never even CONSIDER running for President, because it would be a disasterbacle of biblical proportions. Why, it would be...

** whisper whisper **

Say what now?

** whisper whisper 2012 whisper **

Oh. He IS open to running for President, but "only if that is where God wants (him) to be at that time." Wonderful.

The only thing that a Steele run for the Presidency would do is that it would provide endless amounts of comedy. The primaries ALONE would be worth it, to watch the wolves tear each other apart (picture Piyush "Bobby Brady" Jindal v. Steele v. Palin in a Coultergeist/Limbaugh/Hannity-moderated debate, if you will...and if such a concentration of hatred doesn't try to rip your soul apart first).

So there we have it... the next time Steele seems to open feet and insert mouth, don't think of it as a gaffe or a screw-up. Think of it as a master stroke of genius, where Steele's idiotic comment of today becomes the brilliant strategy of tomorrow. He is planning to stumble, butt-over-teakettle, into the White House... and he'll do it Hip hop style, yo.

Rush Limbaugh's Pimp Hand vs. Michael "Not Made Of" Steele

Part 2 of an ongoing series, "Mike Steele In The Hour of Chaos"... heh...

Pardon me, but I'm having way too much fun enjoying the Republican Party's circular firing squad open fire on each other. In a brief moment of leadership, RNC Chairman tried to wander off the plantation and actually declare that he, not Rush Limbaugh, is the de facto leader of the Republican Party. In an interview with DL Hughley (on Hughley's CNN show - which has been bad, from little I've seen... but this particular episode featured Public Enemy's Chuck D), Steele seemed to have grown a pair when he said:

"I'm the de facto leader of the Republican Party..."

He went on to say that Limbaugh's show is "incendiary" and "ugly", and that Rush was a mere entertainer.

Well, Rush didn't take it too well that one of his boys got downright uppity. Rush responded by saying this:

"So I am an entertainer and I have 20 million listeners because of my great song and dance routine... Michael Steele, you are head of the Republican National Committee. You are not head of the Republican party. Tens of millions of conservatives and Republicans have nothing to do with the Republican National Committee...and when you call them asking for money, they hang up on you."

...my sentiments exactly...

Here is Steele's first chance to assert himself as the leader of the Republican Party, in name and in deed. Here is his chance to begin to reclaim the party, and rescue it from the neanderthals, the miscreants, the racists, and the troglodytes. Here is his chance to prove that the Republican Party is ready for a change, and ready to act in the best interests of the country, and not rely on petty partisan crapola. RNC Chairman Michael Steele, the floor is yours.

My intent was not to go after Rush – I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh,” Steele said in a telephone interview. “I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. … There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership.”

Oh Mikey... Epic Fail on your part... falling on your face like that...

Steele goes on to say:

“I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren’t what I was thinking... It was one of those things where I thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently. What I was trying to say was a lot of people … want to make Rush the scapegoat, the bogeyman, and he’s not."

“I’m not going to engage these guys and sit back and provide them the popcorn for a fight between me and Rush Limbaugh ...No such thing is going to happen. … I wasn’t trying to slam him or anything.”

“He brings a very important message to the American people to wake up and pay attention to what the administration is doing ...Number two, there are those out there who want to look at what he’s saying as incendiary and divisive and ugly. That’s what I was trying to say. It didn’t come out that way. … He does what he does best, which is provoke: He provokes thought, he provokes the left. And they’re clearly the ones who are most excited about him.”

Asked if he planned to apologize, Steele said: “I wasn’t trying to offend anybody. So, yeah, if he’s offended, I’d say: Look, I’m not in the business of hurting people’s feelings here. … My job is to try to bring us all together.”

And there it is. When Steele dares to wander too far from the plantation, we can count on Rush to execute his St. Ronald of Reagan Pimp Hand, to get Steele back into line. Make that money for Big Daddy Rush, Mikey... make that money. And don't let Rush catch you on some reckless eyeballin'... the GOPimp Hand will be back to remind you of your place.

Now... dance, boy.

Michael Steele, Setting Back Race Relations One Cliche At A Time

Meet Michael Steele.



He is the current Chairman of the National Republican Committee. He likes to believe that he was selected to lead the Republicans into the 20th century (you read that correctly) because of his popularity and his ability to reach out to all of the minorities that have been historically dissed underrepresented by the Republican Party. Now, if you know the GOP like I do, you know that this is a crock of hot gobbige. And Michael Steele is continuing in the grand old tradition of pandering to the lowest common denominator, and only getting to know your audience on as thin a surface as possible.

The Republicans were soundly defeated in their bid to continue their feifdom. John McCain and Sarah Palin ran a campaign that brought out the worst in the Republican Base (also known as "The Republican Base"), and thinly-veiled racism was kicked in the gut and bodyslammed onto the hard concrete (tm - Slick Rick) for full-fledged, Grand Dragon-style racism. Old white women were calling President Obama an Arab, young white people were calling him a terrorist and saying that he should be shot, Sarah Palin fanned the flames, and John McCain reconsidered, probably for the first time, the deal he worked out with Satan in exchange for a shot at the Presidency. But try as they might, they couldn't convince the general public that America needed 8 more years of the criminally negligent policies and arrogant attitudes that led us into the quagmire that we're in now.

Sent back to lick their wounds, the Republicans responded in the best way that they know how. They went to the Black Store and bought their own Articulate Black Man. This is the same can't-miss strategy that led to Alan Keyes running against then-Senator Obama for the U.S. Senate from Illinois. And we see how well that worked out. We all know how great the Republicans are in handling race relations. For example, Chip Saltsman, a candidate for the RNC, passed out a CD containing that unifying anthem, "Barack The Magical Negro." And it COULDN'T have been offensive, because Black neo-coon neo con Ken Blackwell said that those who were offended were just overly sensitive. So, armed with this strategy and perspective, how COULD the RNC lose?

Unfortunately, Chip didn't win. Michael Steele wound up becoming the head of the Republican Party, a move that really tickled the Republican Base. Really. You can tell that they are absolutely overjoyed at having a tool such as Steele lead them back into positions of power. Armed with this mandate from the base, Steele decides that the Republicans need to make some changes in order to not be rendered extinct by 2012 gain political momentum in the near future. And the Republicans plan on fixing themselves, and ultimately this country, by doing one of four things:

A) Evaluate the economic policies of the last 8 years, and see what worked, and discard policies that failed.

B) Discuss ways to repair the United States' image across the world, in regards to its treatment of prisoners.

C) Suggest that Bush, Cheney and Rove be brought up on war crimes for their heinous dismantling of civil liberties.

D) Look at all of the ways that Barack Obama ignited his base, from the primaries to the general election. Study these methods, and apply them to a Republican outreach program.

E) Get more conservative, and give the RNC a hip hop makeover.

For those of you who said "E", go to the head of the class and pick up your gold star.

That's right, boys and girls. The party that brought us Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber/War Correspondent/Future Candidate? and "Drill Baby Drill" feel that the best way to reach out to the youth is to give the Republican Party a hip hop makeover. Of course, a Republican version of a Hip Hop makeover is about as bad as a Very Special Episode of Family Matters.

Steele has already begun by interjecting already-played out slang into public discourse, by saying that the Stimulus Package written by the Democrats (and championed by President Obama) is nothing but "bling bling" for people who wished to get a piece of the pie. Not to be outdone, Michele "Let's Ask The Feds To Investigate The Democrats" Bachmann joined in the act. After Steele addressed a crowd with the closest that we'll ever get to a Republican mea culpa:

"We know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad. But we go forward in appreciation of the values that brought us to this point."

...Bachmann congratulated Steele on his leadership role in the worst hip hop way possible: "Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man..." There are just so many things wrong with this, that it'll take 3,000 pages of blogs to sort it all out. But we can start with the clumsy attempt at slang, "you be da man." That couldn't sound more racist if it were uttered by Mantan and Sleep 'N' Eat. This is about as hip hop as Vanilla Ice's "Word to your mother."

The problem with Steele trying to infuse hip hop into the RNC is that while rappers were vocal in their support of Obama, he DID NOT RUN A HIP HOP CAMPAIGN. He did not campaign as DA HIP HOP PREZ-O-DINT, and he didn't offer to have Rev. Run give the invocation at the Inauguration. True, Obama did get that dirt off his shoulders during the primaries against Hillary Clinton, but that wasn't the cornerstone of Obama's campaign or Presidency. The fact that Steele thinks that injecting a few played out "hip hop" phrases into public discourse will win minorities over to the GOP is insulting to everyone that has an ounce of common sense. There's a word for what Steele is trying to do. It's called PANDERING. It's not substantive, it's not thought-out, and it's not intelligent. The good thing is that everyone outside of the GOP's circular firing squad sees this shallow attempt at pandering for the epic fail that it is, and no one's falling for the okee-doke.

If the Republicans keep up on this path, they will be rendered irrelevant in the years to come. The Republicans will be known as the party of knuckle-dragging, fundamentalist cave-dwellars, led by a puppet put in place to give the appearance of "diversity." If this keeps up, and if Steele continues to show slum love to Gov. Jindal of Louisiana, the Republican's use of hip hop to make over the RNC will be about as effective (and cliche'd) as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Shame On Bobby Rush, Shame On Roland Burris

My thoughts on Roland Burris accepting Rod Blagojevich's appointment to the U.S. Senate, to fill President-Elect Barack Obama's Senate seat...

Shame on Bobby Rush.

Shame on Bobby Rush for trying to inject race into this issue, by saying that a rejection of Burris is based on Burris' race. Shame on him for using loaded terms like "lynching" to describe the obvious obstacles that Burris is going to face in regards to getting seated as a Senator. Blago is as tainted as they come, and ANYONE who would've accepted Blago's offer at this point comes with Blago's stink all over them. Rush actually said:

"I would ask you the not hang or lynch the appointee as you castigate the appointer and separate the appointee from the appointer... Roland Burris is worthy and he is the only one who can stand in the gap during this time and gather the confidence, re-establishing confidence of the people of the state of Illinois."

"...not hang or lynch..."? This is a terrible (albeit deliberate) choice of words for Rush to use in support of Burris. Contrary to Rush's assertion, how can anyone separate the appointer from the appointee, in light of Blago's history of grandstanding, and especially in this bold-faced, "I DARE you to stop me" move? You can't. Would Rush be so quick to use racially-tinged language if Blago had appointed a white person? I doubt it. In fact, if Blago HAD appointed a white person to fill Obama's seat, Rush would be one of the first to *ahem* lynch Blago for such a selection. After all, Rush also said:

"There are no African-Americans in the Senate, and I don't think that anyone, any U.S. Senator who is sitting right now would want to go on record to deny one African-American from being seated in the U.S. Senate. I don't think they want to go on record doing that."

This is exactly what's wrong with Black politicians, and especially Black politicians within the Democratic Party. Are we supposed to accept that ANY Black person will fit the bill, so long as they're black? We didn't elect Obama (or Carol Moseley Braun [buyer's remorse kicking in... LOL...]) because they were Black. We elected them because we thought that they would best represent the state of Illinois in the United States Senate. Rush's sentiment plays exactly to the kind of pandering that Blago has done throughout his career, and it's exactly why Blago rolled the dice with Burris as his appointee. Blago wants the recognition of appointing another Black person to the Senate, and he wants us to believe that picking Burris has nothing to do with Blago himself. Bullshucks, I say.

Shame On Roland Burris.

Roland has gone down in history as the first Black person in Illinois elected to a statewide office (Illinois Comptroller). Although he couldn't win the gubernatorial primaries in Illinois, and although he was unsuccessful in his efforts to dethrone King Richard II, Burris has been a respectable politician. At BEST, you can argue about his outsized ego (naming his children Roland II and Rolanda, and him already having his masoleum ready - complete with a list of accomplishments), but there were no scandals or shenanigans connected to him. In another time, a Roland Burris appointment to the U.S. Senate would've been met with "yeah, I can see that" or "I don't have a problem with it." But in this case, I say 'shame on Roland Burris' for accepting the appointment in light of the current circumstances.

Burris wasn't on anyone's short-list to replace Obama, and suddenly, he's at the front of the line. Why? Because of a grandstanding egomaniacal governor who will dare you to do anything about his appointment. Blago appointing Burris has nothing to do with whether or not Burris is qualified for the seat. It's another effort on Blago's part to ingratiate himself to the Black community, but in the absolutely worst possible way imaginable. Blago's comments during the press conference ("Don't let allegations about me taint Burris" or words to that effect) prove that this IS about Blago, and has precious little to do with Burris and his qualifications. If Blago were impeached and Pat Quinn (current Lt. Governor) appointed Burris, I don't think anyone would've had a problem with it. But right now, it stinks, and now Burris has opened himself up to SERIOUS questions about his qualifications, and whether or not any underhanded connections exist between him and Blago.

What should Roland have done? In my opinion, in light of the current situation, Burris should've turned this appointment down. It's entirely too toxic a situation for any rational person to jump into. Just how bad is it? Rep. Danny Davis, who was actively campaigning for this seat, turned it down, because there was too much turmoil involved. Burris should be asking himself this: If Blago felt that Burris was such a stunning choice to fill Obama's seat, then why wasn't the seat offered to Burris in the first place... or at least why wasn't Burris among any of the names mentioned (prior to Blago's arrest) as potential candidates?