50 Cent, The Crybaby Gangsta, and Our Quarterback Is A Retarded Vagina

The Clash of the Titans is over. The numbers are in, and Kanye West's "Graduation" unequivocally beat 50 Cent's "Curtis." Of course, Kanye was being a whiny little snot complaining about not getting any MTV awards, and threatening to boycott MTV. But who knew that 50 Cent, the uber-hard "silverback" of the G-Unit family (and remember, the "G" stands for "Gorilla"), the same man who was shot 9 times, the same man who literally buried Ja Rule (but in an ironic twist, does the exact same thing he berated Ja Rule for)... who would've thought that the self-proclaimed "King Kong" of the music industry would be such an equally whiny crybaby?

After the numbers were in, ol' Curtis went off on a whine-fest of his own, according to the following news article:

Fif also managed to take a swipe at his record label, Interscope, during the VMA rant: "As far as the VMAs were concerned, Kanye received the upper hand. I ain't going to front. He had four looks — his song 'Stronger,' his new record 'Good Life,' he had a performance with Soulja Boy, 'Crank [That],' and then he came out with me. So I feel like Def Jam is doing a better job of promoting the CD than Interscope. Interscope is just relying on my base and the actual music. I was on the VMAs for one minute and 20 seconds. I should've just stayed home." ...

It turns out that Kanye had taken a page from Alonzo Harris (?) from "Training Day"... "I'm Kanye West... King Kong... ain't got NOTHIN... ON ME!!!" I actually would've loved to see Kanye go that route, but what's done is done. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is blaming more people than his "predicament" (if you can call selling over 600,000 records in your first week a real "predicament") than Joliet Jake when he was rattling off excuses in the sewer to his disgruntled girlfriend (see "The Blues Brothers"... one of the best Chicago movies ever made). I guess this is what hip hop has become. It's not enough that you get included in the industry circle jerks known as award shows. It's not enough that you go gold, and platinum won't be far behind. You gotta pitch a fit if you put out an unimaginative album, and blame everyone else but the actual artist. By all accounts, 50's "Curtis" is derivative, unimaginative, and it seems like he's phoning it in. Then again, I would imagine that it's hard for someone who made $400 million in a business venture to sound really hungry on the mic.

That's why I still keep my ear to the underground. El-P (a rapper who epitomizes the "backpacker" sound that guys like me appreciate) had an awesome video where he portrayed a torture victim at Guantanamo Bay. No video hoo-wuhrs, no bling, no Spidermanning and Supermanning, no things that are spinnin, nigga, dey spinnin'... it was a stark video. I wish I could remember what the song was about, though. But, I can just buy El P's new one and listen to it. Also, speaking of the underground, your favorite rapper's favorite rapper, the mighty mighty Pharoahe Monch is coming to town. And I am going to the show for free. It'll be a post-birthday birthday present to myself.

Rexual Dysfunction Time



A lot of noise is being made about Donovan McNabb's statement that Black quarterbacks are under more pressure than their white counterparts. Of course, he's right. I was reading a column by the Sun Times' Jay Mariotti, and he was saying that in some cases, white QB's are criticized just as heavily. During a "Family Guy" reading at the Chicago Theater, "Lois" called Rex a retarded vagina.

Now, in true Family Guy fashion, that is an insane description... but yet, it fits Bad Rex like a glove. Here's the thing, though. Despite the fact that white QB's face their share of criticism, you best believe that there's a difference in execution. If Donovan McNabb played as badly as Rex has this season (geesh... it's gonna be a long one), McNabb would be lucky to get a gym teacher position in the Chicago Public School system. But with Rex, and with most white quarterbacks, they are allowed to flounder more, they are given more chances to improve, and in most cases (save for QB that was traded to Cleveland, I think), they aren't told to sit down somewhere. Rex should be sitting down, while Brian Griese or Kyle Orton should be stepping up. After all, you can't expect a retarded vagina to do anything productive. Just ask Britney Spears. Heh.

And with that, I'm out.

Quit Smoking - The Gay Way?!?

There I was on the bus, and I saw a poster advocating that people quit smoking. That's all fine and dandy, but what struck me was that this ad seemed to be focused towards the gay community, especially with its reference towards the whole LGBT thing.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but how in the world can someone promote a smoking-cessation effort geared towards homosexuals? What... are their brands of cigarettes different from the brands that heteros smoke? Instead of a Marlboro Man, do they have to deal with the ramifications of the Virginia Slims Woman (you've come a long way, baby!)...

...it just seems to me that this community always wants to add their own little niche to things. I guess that includes smoking and ways to quit.

Gates of Hell Welcome Newest CIO, Kenneth Lay

Gehenna – Kenneth Lay, who spent time on Earth as the founder of Enron, and who was convicted in the earthly judicial system for fraud, died July 6, 2006. His eternal soul was swiftly transported to the 9^th Circle of Hell, where he was welcomed for all of the misery that he caused humans on earth. Because of his eternal pledge to his dark lord and master, Satan, and the systematic destruction of humans on an almost global scale, Lay was immediately named Chief Infernal Officer, or CIO, a position specifically created for Lay’s brand of deception, greed, duplicitousness and chaos.

“Hail Satan”, minion-of-greed Raexus Maelfus exclaimed, when he heard about Lay’s arrival. “Dude, Lay is like a LEGEND down here. And for him to die before he serves one day in jail, man, Satan gets hooves-up on that one!”

Lay will bypass the usual custom of a millennium of suffering and anguish because of clauses in his contract. Lay, having unique foresight in selling his soul to the devil, insisted on a clause that stated that if he were convicted in the earthly realm, he would not serve a day in prison. His clause also stated that if he were indicted, then he bypasses the Infernal Torture Rites of the Damned. He was also promised an executive-level spot in the infernal realms, if he managed to have earthly pastors endorse him in his obvious guilt.

“This is similar to what the Earth residents called a ‘Golden Parachute’, but we call it the Brimstone Pitchfork”, because the contract signer who requests these clauses create the opportunity to ‘stick it’ to the Prince of Darkness, as it were”, stated Oxzyxz, Chief Counsel for Conscribed Souls. Oxzyxz continued, “Lay should be commended for his amazing foresight.”

As the Chief Infernal Officer, Lay’s duties will include the overseeing of the exchange of human souls for worldly wealth and power, global mayhem, and human suffering. Satan is reportedly pleased with Lay’s work on the earthly realm, and he looks forward to delegating some of the more hands-on infernal activities to a highly qualified person. The Lord of the Flies himself could not be reached for comment at press time.

American Idol Producers Launch New Reality Show

Hollyweird, CA (Aslow-ciated Press) -- Capitalizing on the publicity generated by Idol’s latest round of felonious contestants, including the Idiot Twins Derrell and Terrell Brittenum in the current season, and Trenyce and Corey Clark from the previous seasons, American producers Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe held a press conference to launch the newest spin on American Idol for the 2007 television season.




Fuller and Lythgoe announced the new “Oz Idol” in which wanted and/or convicted felons compete for a host of prizes. The prizes include a favorable parole hearing, a sympathetic jury, a night away from celebrity prison greeter Cumswalla, and a record deal. But this is a record deal with a twist, winked Fuller. With this record deal, the contestants get to have their criminal records expunged by as many as seven states.

Trenyce and Clark, already bound to servitude by their previous contract with the American Idol producers, have already “agreed” to perform, and producers are hoping that the Brittenum Brothers will understand that the second chance given to them comes with a price. “We’re not going to hold it over the Brittenum Brothers’ heads about how we gave them a second chance, but we do hope that they understand quid pro quo.”

Through their lawyers, the Brittenums were “enthusiastic” about their chances to repay the Idol producers for their kindness.

Details are sketchy with regards to the show, but early reports reveal that the early rounds will take place in county jails and low-level prisons across the country. Currently, there are no limits as to who can participate. Tronsavius “Shankums OG” Jones, who was convicted on 183 counts of animal sodomy and battery, could earn a pardon from the Supermax Prison in Marion, IL to compete against Mickey “Shifty One-Eye” O’Shane during the “Don’t Drop The Soap” competition. Jones, who previous won prison contests for best sodomy and most innovative use of jailhouse tattoos, hopes to parlay his angelic voice into a chance at parole, or at least a week or two away from solitary confinement.

Fox hopes to start airing the try-outs in early 2007, as soon as the state and federal government grants the network the proper clearance, and the charges emanating from the riots are addressed in court. Fuller added that America will be delighted to see what happened when Ronald Isley showed up at the auditions.

Celebrity judges will include Cumswalla, O.J. Simpson, Li'l Kim, and Leif Garrett.

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND NOMOSEXUAL CELEBRATION

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND -- NOMOSEXUALITY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED

Friday, November 24, 2005

by D.S. Bakkup

(CHICAGO - Roiders, nucca) Empowered by the United States Supreme Court's 6-3 decision to strike down sodomy laws across the nation, and further emboldened by acts such as Gay Pride parades nationwide, a new advocacy group is emerging across the country.

Sexual abstinence advocates nationwide united under the newly formed umbrella organization Judiciously Abstinent Group Organizing For Fairness (J.A.G.O.F.F.). Its first president, Tyson Eddington, claimed that from this day forward, people who practice abstinence will be known as NOMOSEXUALS who engage in NOMOSEXUAL activity. J.A.G.O.F.F.'s first official duty will be to form lobbying committees for all of the major political parties.

"We're hoping to get Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich to represent us for the Democrats and Republicans, respectively. Gingrich said that he may be interested in speaking on our behalf down the road, "maybe later." Attempts to reach Clinton were met with hysterical laughter and the words '...is you fuh-REAL?' peppered through the conversation", president Eddington sadly noted.

When asked about membership requirements, spokesman and recruitment chairman Walter Higginbotham said that "whether your abstinence is by choice, or by circumstance, you are more than welcome to join our group. All we ask is that you state that you aren't getting any, for whatever reason." Higginbotham, a 5' 2", 320-lb KFC aficianado, said that the choice for abstinence was easy for him, due to the fact that "girls just don't want to look beyond the surface to see the real me." President Eddington, who admits to not getting laid "since the last Presidential administration -- and it was just one time, at that", echoed Higginbotham's sentiment. "If we can have parades, and special treatments, and newly-updated PC language, and new hate crime laws to protect and celebrate homosexuality, and if we can have advertisements that clearly promote the hedonistic heterosexual lifestyle, where everyone's getting some but me, and it pisses me off -- but I digress -- if we can have all that, surely we can have legislation set up to protect the abstinent, and the chronically unattractive, who are prone to fits of abstinence."

The J.A.G.O.F.F. President was asked about the future of this group. Eddington stated that he would like to see fairness for nomosexuals, especially in the workplace. "Why can't someone who spends his spare time at home with a Kenya Moore poster and a bottle of Jergens get a tax break for not burdening society with children, or keeping court costs down by not speaking to women -- NOT because we're scared, but because of sexual harassment laws -- why can't we get a tax break?"

A few corporations have already hopped onto the "nomosexual" bandwagon. Johnson & Johnson's spokesperson Priscilla Watson stated that their company's tracking service shows that next to parents, single men are the biggest users of their product. "We wholly support the nomosexual lifestyle, and we are proud that our product plays such an integral part in nomosexual activity." Ralston-Purina, makers of various brands of cat food, agreed. Said brand executive Tom Conner, "...research shows that nomosexuals are, by and large, cat owners, and we want to do our best to include them in our umbrella of diversity." Porno king Larry Flynt, owner of the Hustler porn enterprise, added the following: "Since Hustler's inception, we feel that we have been a cornerstone of the nomosexual lifestyle. Our publications have always catered to nomosexuals around the world, and it is an extreme honor to continue to provide a service to this under-represented group."

"Instead of wasting time trying to seek satisfying, luscious, but wholly unfulfilling sex, we nomosexuals EMBRACE our nomosexuality, and we encourage others to do the same, or at least offered token support" Eddington concluded, before retiring to group offices with the latest copy of "Sistas 14" in tow.

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil
5 October 2005 10:00 PM and just just in time for the Daily Show

Crawford Ranch, TX (AP Diddy, and it don’t stop)

In a move that angered President Bush’s evangelical Christian voter base and baffled theologians and religious experts worldwide, the President announced that he is considering adding God’s Kingdom of Heaven to his Axis Of Evil.

The announcement came while Bush was on vacation in Texas, taking the time out to look out of a nearby window and count butterflies. He was reminded that he should be assessing Texas’ preparedness for upcoming Hurricane Rita. He was surrounded by high-profile leaders in the religious community when he made the announcement.

“Let’s look at this reasonably,” said Bush. “America is being devastated by these storms, and these storms have a history of coming onto American soil and wreaking havoc on innocent citizens. Even before terrorism was invented by Ay-rabs, we have been bombarded with all sort of natural ‘phenomena.’” At that point, Bush made the clichéd “quote marks” with his fingers. The President went on to say “I am going to do what no other President should have done, including that toad Bill Clinton. I am going to present this case to the United Nations, and prepare a team of weapons inspectors to be dispatched into the Kingdom of Heaven, so we can see what the heck’s going on up there.”

When asked about the logistics of sending live human beings to Heaven and expecting them to return, Bush was alarmingly optimistic. “How hard can it be to send a team of people to God’s Kingdom? I’m sure that we have dedicated individuals who will be willing to make the sacrifice, especially when they hear that Halliburton will be providing support and stipends for the obviously long journey. How long DOES it take for a plane or something to reach Heaven, Bishop?” A visibly stunned Bishop T.D. Jakes shook his head and sunk into his chair, pulled out his Ipod Nano, and spent the rest of the press conference listening to his “Sacred Jukin’ And Getting Your Holy Shake On” songs.

“I will use the same intelligence and data that justified our attack –er, liberation of Iraq. I hope that the Kingdom of Heaven, as well as its emissaries here on Earth, will cooperate fully with our team of investigators. But based on these ‘natural disasters’…” (again with the quote marks) “…it is apparent that someone up there hopes to do harm. Perhaps they don’t like our freedom. The evidence is there that our shores face a celestial threat like never before. Perhaps, somehow, Al Qaeda is responsible. If we don’t receive access to Heaven’s weapons program, including the building programs for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires and liberals, then we will have no choice but to consider that the Kingdom of Heaven does not have America’s best interests at heart. And if that’s the case, then this administration will have no choice but to classify acts of God as ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and to add Jehovah bin Laden and his regime to the Axis of Evil, putting them in the company of China, Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Canada and Hollywood. Especially Hollywood, except for the fine folks at the Fox Network.”

Pat Robertson, known throughout the world as the squinty-eyed lunatic who prayed for the deaths of Supreme Court Justices, attempted to redirect the President towards a more terrestrial target, such as Venezuela or Las Vegas. “Clearly, our President is just as disturbed by these natural phenomena as any one of us, especially when it happens here in America, and not in pagan underdeveloped third world hellholes like Calcutta, Somalia, or New York City. But our President is a God-fearing Christian, who clearly understands what happens when he attempts to question God’s wisdom. I’m sure that our President, who we all prayed for that he’d get elected, knows which side his bread is buttered on, if you catch my drift. Also, all President Bush needs to do is remember when Lucifer attempted to jihad the Kingdom, like some crazed celestial terrorist.”

President Bush was undaunted by the implication. “I appreciate Rev. Robertson’s concern, but the good reverend underestimates good old fashioned American savvy and intelligence. After all, God ordained the United States to be the superpower that it is. With that kind of blessing, we can take on any force that threatens this country. Even if that threat is from Heaven. Besides, if we were to engage in a protracted battle against the Kingdom of Heaven, what’s the worst that could happen?”

James Dobson, head of right-wing Christian group Focus On The Family, immediately denounced President Bush as a heretic and called for evangelical groups nationwide to support a more Christian, level-headed, God-fearing representative. When asked for suggestions, Dobson answered by saying “I hear that this Patrick Buchanan fellow is a pretty moderate guy. Perhaps Buchanan might be interested in running for President in 2008.”

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina
21 September 2005 7:49 PM, Just As So You Think You Can Dance Is On

New Orleans (Roiders) – In a press release from the Pearly Gates of Heaven, the Lord Of Hosts issued a statement denying that race was a factor in choosing the Gulf Coast as a target for Hurricane Katrina.

Addressing charges of racism and “selective apocalyptic prophetic fulfillment”, God reassured believers and nonbelievers alike that He did not strike the Gulf Coast because of America’s decadent lifestyle, the abandonment of the church, or the hedonism of Mardi Gras. “If I were to strike a region based on its lifestyle, wouldn’t it make sense that I would have shaken San Francisco into the Pacific Ocean, or sent a giant meteor to vaporize Las Vegas, or sent the bubonic plague to Pat Robertson?”

Democratic spokesmen and professional tragedy hustlers Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have leveled charges of racism against the federal government, due to its response in the wake of flooding in New Orleans. While neither minister blamed God directly, Jackson did have this to say: “The poor in New Orleans seems to have caught a case/of butt-whuppin’ of epic proportions because of race/It took Bush too long to show his weasely face/But who caused this to happen in the first place?” Longtime spokesmen for the King of Kings, apostles Peter and Paul, were incensed at the implication. Peter, traditionally given the role as gatekeeper to the Kingdom of Heaven, responded with “I know THAT nigga ain’t trippin’ like that… let’s just say that he has a WHOLE lot to answer for before he crosses THIS threshold.” A more subdued Paul expressed disappointment that men of God would imply that racism was a motive behind God’s actions.

The only thing that seemed to enrage Our Lord And Savior more than the accusation of racism was the opportunistic wolves in sheep’s clothing, using the catastrophe to further their own agendas. “I swear to Me, America is due for a come-up, but that time hasn’t come yet”, God said. “Look, you guys have seen what happens when I pour MY wrath out on an unjust nation. Ask Noah… I didn’t tell him that he should build up levees, because I was going to flood just one town. Ask Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah. I want these so-called ministers to do better. The fact of the matter is that I sent this hurricane because this is the season that I always send hurricanes. And furthermore, these ‘representatives’ are strangely silent when my other acts cause much more widespread devastation. Where are these folks when one of My mudslides buries an entire village under tons of Earth? Ironically enough, some of the same people that want to pin the whole thing on me are the same people whose policies LED to situations you are seeing in New Orleans – I’m looking at YOU, Pat Robertson. I’m looking at YOU, Republican party, and I’m looking at you TOO, Democrats.”

The Lord Jehovah went on to praise the efforts of General Honore, confirming that the general is “a take-no-prisoners soldier who I created to deal with those Me-damned idiots down there.”

The spirited communiqué ended with The Lord blasting Pat Robertson for his unreasonable requests. “Look, Pat. You need to stop talking to me about filling the Supreme Court bench. I am the Lord of Hosts, creator of the Universe. Do you think I am your valet, taking people out of here because YOU asked? It was Rehnquist’s time, and everyone knew that. Just like it’ll be YOUR time in exactly… I don’t want to get ahead of Myself, Pat. But if you keep it up, I’ll have to violate my Supreme HIPAA regulations and tell your followers about a certain time involving you, high heeled shoes, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, 2 drunken dwarves and the three-legged donkey. You know what I’m talking about, Pat.”

Before any reporters could ask questions, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unleashed a plague of locusts on the reporters, causing them to scatter. God warned that the next time He has to address people in this fashion, “it will not be pretty. Sodom and Gomorrah will look like an episode of Bob Vila’s ‘This Old House’ by comparison.”