If Blagojevich Gets Re-elected, I'd Eat A Doughnut.

Last Sunday, Gov. Rod Blagojevich was a special guest at Salem's "House of Hope." Now, the line between church and politics has always been blurred, with the church being ground zero for social revolution. Also, the last Presidential election was definitely an exercise in faith-based politics. The Evangelical right-wing Christian movement did an effective job of making gay marriage a bigger issue than the economy and the war in Iraq. Now, I'm a Christian, and I am not a fan of gay marriage. But at the same time, if I'm electing a leader of the free world, I want to see what he's going to do to end this war and stabilize the economy. But I said all of this to say that at times, I can understand when politicians come into the church house.

This time, though, it was nothing but pure grandstanding. Gov. Blago used his time on Salem's pulpit and TV to announce his grand plan to save the CTA: Give free rides to the elderly! And in his most disingenuous moment ever, he asked questions like "Who wants to see their grandma get a free ride on a bus?" DUH! In a huge church like that, what... was someone going to say "Let them old folks ride for free!" But in an amazing twist, that's EXACTLY what happened. He presented his plan to a group of senior citizens, and they proceeded to verbally thrash him for his obvious pandering. One senior citizen said "Why shouldn't we have to pay?" Gov. Blago responded with this coalition-building statement: "Hold your nose and ride for free."

The most galling part of all of this was that the plan that the governor threatened to veto with his "Free Rides To The Elderly" plan was in front of him at least 9 months ago. So, instead of getting the deal done, or negotiating in good faith with the Illinois congressmen to get a budget passed, Gov. Blagojevich makes an end-run around the Illinois legislative branch, and tries to present his idea to a seemingly sympathetic public. To say it backfired would be an understatement. On the one hand, the deal was done, and another doomsday has been averted. On the other hand, Governor Blago's actions were so reprehensible to his fellow Democrats that they are going to create an Illinois Constitutional amendment to strip the Governor of these kinds of veto powers. Think about that for a second. You are so universally reviled by your party that not only are they not bonding with you, but they are going to add an amendment to the CONSTITUTION to take your toys away.

On the national scene, Billionaire Bob Johnson was forced to apologize for trying (yet again) to raise the spectre of Obama's drug use. The Clinton camp caught hell in a handbasket for trying to be slick with racial politics, and Bob's comments were nothing but political quid pro quo. After all, Bill Clinton put in a good word to NBA Commissioner David Stern to help Bob Johnson acquire an NBA franchise. Bob (and his ilk) was acting as a good soldier, mouthpiece, and front man would... throwing out comments, statements and jokes that would absolutely crucify Hillary Clinton if she or Bill made them directly. The supporters get to float the negative campaign ideas, and if it bombs, Hillary can threaten to distance herself from them unless they apologized... and if the public begins to embrace the idea, then Clinton can make it an official part of the campaign. The problem with that is that (at least I hope) the general populace is too sophisticated to fall for this okee-doke. I know that in listening to Roland S. Martin's show, callers were HEATED. Some Black women who supported Hillary were so disgusted with what has taken place that they pledged their support to Obama. Hillary needs to watch her step before any "Bill Clinton goodwill" has completely eroded to the level of hate reserved for Hannity and Limbaugh.

Obama Vs. Clinton -- This Time, It's Personal

The presidential race is starting to heat up, especially in the Democratic Primary. First of all, I wasn't surprised that Obama took Iowa. I was more surprised that Hillary Clinton finished third behind Obama and John Edwards.

Then, before the New Hampshire primary, Hillary Clinton "broke down" and almost cried when talking about the rigors of the campaign. Now, let me get this straight. You are the wife of a two-term President... a President who actually was IMPEACHED. Not to mention that the last part of your husband's second term was spent fending off Republican 'moralist' douchebags left and right. You yourself are a two-term UNITED STATES SENATOR. And prior to New Hampshire, you're JUST FINDING OUT that 'OMG ONOEZ POLITIXX IS TEH HARDIST'? This is why it's hard to take Clinton's tears as anything more than a disingenuous political strategy to counter charges that she is "too aggressive." But wait, it gets worse.

Then came this:

In the interview with Fox News last week, Clinton said, "Dr. [Martin Luther] King's dream began to be realized when President Lyndon Johnson passed the Civil Rights Act of 1964. It took a president to get it done." She has argued repeatedly that her experience shows she can get more done as president than Obama.

What she did in this fell swoop was (1) diminish the actual work of front-line soldiers like Dr. King to that of "Dreamers" who were basically big on rhetoric and little on action, and (2) attempt to diminish Obama as a speechifying orator and not as a candidate for President of the United States. I've said elsewhere that her remarks make it seem like Obama is running for the President of the New Millennium Civil Rights Movement, as opposed to running for President.

The fallout from this comment was pretty huge. But it wouldn't be politics if it wasn't interesting. Clinton naturally blamed Obama for taking her words out of context. This isn't going to help Clinton one bit.

Get this: Former head of BET (and a man probably single-handedly responsible for setting the Black Power movement back 50 years) sided with Hillary Clinton and endorsed her. Yep... the man that brought "Blackberry Inn" to the American TV landscape, and the man that has no problem catering to the lowest common denominator and stereotype when it comes to the portrayal of Black people, has sided against Obama. Now, I'm not saying that because Obama's Black, that Black leaders should automatically side with him over Hillary. What I *AM* saying is that if you are going to side with Hillary, you should do so without sounding like a moron, a Klan-plant (thanks, Chris) or a puppet whose strings are being pulled by the Clinton machine.

Billionaire Bob then expressed this sentiment:

...“And to me, as an African-American, I am frankly insulted that the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues since Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood –­ and I won’t say what he was doing, but he said it in the book –­ when they have been involved.”

Moments later, he added: “That kind of campaign behavior does not resonate with me, for a guy who says, ‘I want to be a reasonable, likable, Sidney Poitier ‘Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.’ And I’m thinking, I’m thinking to myself, this ain’t a movie, Sidney. This is real life.”

Take a look at the bolded comment, if you will. I'm under the impression that the Clinton Crew has been trying to float the "Obama Is A Drug User" balloon for the longest time. There's just one problem with it. It was revealed in OBAMA'S BOOK. *HE* came clean in his book about his drug use. A Clinton aide/worker was fired from the crew for making these remarks (methinks he fell on his sword to keep Hillary from looking like she was desperate). Now, Billionaire Bob sounds like he's on the payroll, trying to float the same balloon. And Bob Johnson is one of the LAST people to talk about the "real life" portrayal of a Black person.

Just how ridiculous it's getting? Before the primaries began, Andrew Young (a stalwart of the Old Guard Civil Rights Movement) said in a (half-)joking manner that Bill Clinton was "more black" than Obama because Clinton dated more Black women than Obama. Of course, this is a throwback to that hot wet sack of gobbige that Bill Clinton was "the first Black President" because he slept around with a buncha chicks and played the sax. Andrew Young and everyone else that invoked that crappy sentiment oughta be smacked. Young also said that Obama was "too young" to be President... but ignoring the fact that Clinton was younger than Obama when he (Clinton) ran. Young's claim that Obama needs a "network" to "protect" him sounds like Young (and other jerks) are worried that they are going to get frozen out should Obama get elected... while an active role in the Clinton campaign may be rewarded handsomely. This, in essence, is exactly what's wrong with the Old Guard. The formerly young guns and radical revolutionaries are so ensconced in their cushy lifestyles, that they don't want to make room for the next generation of leadership and spokesmen. And by sticking with the traditional Democratic base, these old warhorses are trying to make sure that they are remembered.

It's going to be really interesting how all of this pans out, especially after Super Tuesday.

I don't have time now, but next time, I am going to rant about Gov. Rod Blagojevich appearing at my old church gloating about his plan to give senior citizens free rides on the CTA, in hopes of staving off another CTA Doomsday scenario. It's not the free rides that I have a problem with, it's the blatant grandstanding and the continuing blurring of lines between church and state. And best believe that if a Republican politician was in a white Mega-Church like the Crystal Cathedral, bragging about some legislature that he wanted to pass, the liberal pundits would have a field day.

The Obama-Oprah Connection

Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world! Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance! She's a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature...

-- Gin Rummy, "The Boondocks, 'Let's Nab Oprah'"

Oprah Winfrey has joined the political fray. She has decided to throw her support behind Presidential candidate Barack Obama. The question is how much of an influence will Oprah's endorsement have over the Democratic nomination. When Oprah first made the announcement, Right Wing Minister of Propaganda Sean (Goebbels) Hannity was positively giddy about the news. His "Stop Hilary Express" was almost orgasmic at the thought of the Oprah Juggernaut squaring up against the mighty Clinton Machine.

But how effective will Oprah's endorsement be? Will her voice and influence translate into votes at the primaries? It's interesting because Oprah usually seems to target white women (for the most part) in her shows. The women that usually support Oprah usually vote Democratic, and it would stand to follow that those women would vote for someone who most resembles them, in the person of Hilary Rodham Clinton. But will the apparent Clinton supporters turn their support towards Obama, because Oprah says so? Sure, Oprah can make the beef industry blink in a staring contest, and she can propel a man with an active imagination to the top of the best-seller list with his "biography", but as I asked before, can this influence and power translate into action at the polls? Can the other Democratic nominees (after all, it's not over yet) find endorsement power of their own to counter Oprah? Bill Clinton (still a beloved figure in political circles [and I still wanna smack any idiot that claimed that he was the 'first Black President' because he played the sax and got laid with women other than his wife -- but I digress]) is going to have his work cut out for him in order to put his wife into the Big Chair.

What would REALLY make the race interesting is if Obama not only benefitted from Oprah's support, but if he also took kingmaker Karl Rove's advice. Not that I agree with anything Rove does, but his dark magic helped Curious George and the Administration That Couldn't get elected. Twice. And whether you like or loathe Rove, he does offer some good points on overcoming Clinton.

It's going to be an interesting primary season.

Hypocrisy Is The Greatest Luxury -- Raise The Double Standard!

Let's play catch-up. Not too long ago, douchebag commentator Glenn Beck caused a bit of a stir when he interviewed Congressman Keith Ellison. During the interview, Beck all but asked Ellison to take a vow of loyalty, seeing as how Ellison is a Muslim. In fact, what Beck asked and said to Ellison was this:

"prove to me that you are not working with our enemies," saying, "And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way."

From that point on, I dismissed Beck as a third-rate Hannity wannabe, looking to make his bones by being "controversial." So, why am I bringing him up again? Well, because this time, Beck not only proves to be a douchebag, but he demonstrates the amazing ability to project an extreme double standard that can only be described as hypocrisy.

Mitt Romney made a "Big Speech" about how his Mormon faith will not influence the decisions he would make as President. OK, so far so good. But here's the good part. Beck had the audacity to say "Why are we going to a candidate and asking about religion?" Hm. Let I get this straight (tm -- Homey The Clown). It's OK for you to question a duly-elected representative to Congress, and ask him to convince you that he's not a terrorist, simply because he's Muslim... despite the fact that there was nothing in Ellison's record to even raise an eyebrow regarding his faith... it's OK for you to call into question whether Ellison's faith will affect his judgment and *gasp* his loyalties to the country and the citizens and constituents that he represents. But let someone question Romney about HIS faith, and now it's "aw, who cares?" As you can see, Beck is a hypocrite. I guess I should mention (if you haven't clicked on the Glenn Beck link I posted) that Beck is also a Mormon. So, the message that Beck is sending is that it's OK if I question YOUR religion in regards to politics, but don't you dare question MINE.

Here's the second part of Beck's double-standard and hypocrisy. "Who cares about religion?" Beck asks. Well, Mitt is running for President on the Republican ticket. And who is it that makes their party out to be the party of God, faith, and family values? The Republicans. Who won the election based on boogeyman-like scare tactics regarding immoralities like gay marriage (despite a war going horribly wrong across the globe)? The Republicans. Who makes the biggest (usually hypocritical) fuss about beingthe standard-bearers for what's decent in America? The Republicans. Who have the prominent Evangelical Christian ministers across the country aligned themselves with? Yep. You guessed it. When you have Right Wing nutjobs like Pat Robertson praying for the deaths of Supreme Court justices, so more "righteous" judges can be appointed, and when you have insane commentators like Ann the Coultergeist claiming represent Christianity, then it's only fair that (especially for a Republican) religious conversations will come up.

Beck can't have it both ways. He can't throw other people's faiths under the bus because he doesn't agree with them, and then shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal when someone that shares HIS faith is also questioned. Especially in a climate where the candidate who happens to share his faith make it a habit of invoking their "faith" at almost every opportunity, usually lording it (no pun intended) over those who they feel morally superior to.

VH-1's Hip Hop Honors -- Class Of 2007, Suggestions For 2008

Another year, another VH1 Hip Hop Honors Awards. As it stands, this is the closest thing that hip hop has to a Hall of Fame, until someone decides to create one. How did this year's awards ceremony go? Glad you asked. First, let's talk about the honorees. Ladies and gentlemen, your Hip Hop Honors Class Of 2007:


Missy Elliot


Snoop Dogg


Whodini


The movie "Wild Style"


New Jack Swing


A Tribe Called Quest

Comedian Tracy Morgan was the host.

Now, on with the festivities. They opened up by honoring Missy Elliot. To me, this seemed like "OK, let's get this one out of the way so that we can get to the real innovators." I don't HATE Missy, but if you are going to honor her, it is FAR too soon to do so. I will give her credit because her videos are innovative (not too many people would like like a black Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man on purpose). But is that innovation a tribute to her, or to the director? Anyway, for the most part, she is known for her production skills and turning nonsensical phrases into an art form. Who would have thought that "Beep beep/who got the keys to the jeep?/errrrrmmmmmmm..." would be something that someone would quote? It sounds like something you'd hear from someone who needs a helmet to protect themselves. Ciara and a bunch of other folks did some OK renditions of her song. Again, with someone like Queen Latifah not being honored yet, it's too soon to honor Missy. And the whole set seemed to be "...now that we got this over with, let's get on to the festivities."

The tribute to the movie "Wild Style" was OK. The best part of that was a performance by old school legends Chief Rocker Busy Bee and Grandmaster Caz (did you know that he wrote one of the raps for the Sugar Hill Gang?) and recent honoree KRS-One. It was nice, and it sounded like KRS was freestyling the whole time. All of them sounded like they still had it (of course, KRS never lost it).

The tribute to "New Jack Swing" was a bit too long. T-Pain did the impossible and sounded worse than Keith Sweat. Keisha Cole (who has the most gorgeous eyes ever) just went through the motions. Doug E Fresh was pretty good, and one of the Blackstreet dudes (Chauncey, I think) was capable in the supporting role. Nick Cannon (which made me think "Who invited HIM?") did an OK job during this set as well.

The highlight of the set was the appearance of this man:



...Kool Moe Dee, doing "How You Like Me Now." As you can see, it looks like our friend Moe Dee has been in the buffet line too many times. It looks like his name should be "Kool! Mo' Desserts!" Vocally, he sounded as fresh as ever, but him doing any dance steps was simply out of the question. I say that they missed a golden opportunity for complete awesomeness by not having Bobby Brown come out, even for a brief moment, to do "My Prerogative." That would've been television history.

Don't ask me about the Snoop Dogg portion, because at the time, the season premiere of "Boondocks" was on, and I decided that Boondocks >>> Snoop Dogg. Yeah, I said it. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? I do remember that T.I. did one of the Snoop tribute songs, and he sounded better working a Snoop Dogg verse than he did trying to flip a Big Daddy Kane verse.

The tribute where everyone seemed to have the most fun was Whodini's "enshrinement." Nelly and Jermaine Dupri came out and did a couple of songs, and Whodini themselves came out and performed. Dr. Ice, from UTFO, was working the "hype-man" role, and doing a good job of it... especially since Ecstacy sounded like he had one too many Newports before the show started. During "Funky Beat", Dr. Ice was going through a bunch of old school dances, and Nelly even joined him to do the Wop. Jermaine (who got his start working as a dancer for Whodini) did some breakdancing footwork. The set ended with Grand Master D on the turntables, and he had to be carried off stage. It was great... everyone lifted him up, and his hands were still on the tables, and he was still sounding like a skilled DJ. Like I said, it looked like they had fun.

The Tribe Called Quest tribute should've been the highlight of the night. But it was kinda marred by Lupe Fiasco messing up a verse... not for the mess-up itself, but for the attitude that he had afterwards, and how he was almost proud to proclaim that he never heard a Tribe album. Busta Rhymes came out during the performance of possibly one of the greatest posse cuts ever, "Scenario." But he yelled so much that you could barely understand what he was saying. I've seen Busta do MUCH better on TV, including an awards show where he did "Touch It" (which was capped off by a surprise Eminem performance -- but I digress). The Tribe tribute wasn't as great as it could've been. And also, Phife Dog needs a kidney. He was looking "sickly" throughout the tribute, and I found out that it's because he needs a kidney transplant.

All of this brings us to possible honorees for 2008. If it were up to me, here is who I would suggest for VH1's Hip Hop Honors Class of 2008:


Stetsasonic: The original hip hop band


Queen Latifah: Before she started singing, she was the epitome of the Female MC. Plus, her work with the Flavor Unit was ahead of modern-day moguls like Jay Z and Puff.


NWA: At the time, NWA produced groundbreaking material. And if you've gotten the attention of the FBI just for making songs, you must be doing something right.


Too $hort: I'm not a fan of Todd Shaw, aka Too $hort. But his influence in West Coast Hip Hop is unmistakable. Without Too $hort, there would arguably be no Snoop Dogg.


Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince: Shoot, why not? Plus, a DJ tribute to the Magnificent Jazzy Jeff would be face-meltingly awesome, if they got the right turntablists (Q-Bert, Roc Raider, Babu, Mix Master Mike, etc) to do the job.


The movie "Beat Street": What is more hip hop than a movie about a DJ at the famous Roxy, with secondary stories about breakdancing and graffiti, and performances by the Treacherous Three and Grandmaster Melle Mel? Not too many things, my friends.

Wild Card picks:


EPMD


Gangstarr


Slick Rick

See you in 2008!

Celebrities As Activists... Is It A Good Idea, Or Should They Shut Up And Dance?

The situation in Jena has brought out the best in people, and the worst in people. There was a huge protest march a few weeks ago, and a few celebrities were there. Rapper Mos Def was one of the hip hop artists that was spearheading the movement. He was also quite upset that very few celebrities (especially in hip hop) made their presence felt.

This (and a discussion on my favorite message board) got me to thinking. SHOULD celebrities speak out on social issues? I'm split on the issue. On the one hand, it shows that they're not all self-absorbed twits and malcontent, and it shows that they are concerned about more than just how well their records or movies are doing, or who is dressing them. On the other hand, if they drop the ball, they come across so poorly that it would've been better if they left the deep topics to the grown folks.

A recent example is Adrienne Curry. Her attempt at unity by calling for a boycott of Black History Month and B.E.T. was so poorly worded and muddled that it did more to encourage hardcore racists to spew their venom and idiocy about their race. In her case, she was clearly and unmistakably uninformed about Black History, how Black people feel about B.E.T., and the fact that other cultures celebrate their heritage as well.

The best examples of celebrities speaking out, or dedicating their music to an issue, shows that there is actually depth to an artist. Pick a song by Public Enemy, X-Clan, Paris, and KRS-One, and you will see material that approaches the subject matter with depth and intelligence. Recently, there hasn't been too many hip hop acts that have united for a cause since the "Self-Destruction Movement" (as an aside, the fact that they never generated an album or two from all of those artists collaborating continues to be one of the greatest missteps in hip hop). The last time a collaboration of great artists popped up was during the Amidou Diallo killing, when rappers like Mos Def, Common, De La Soul, Pharoahe Monch, Kool G Rap, and others joined forces for Hip Hop 4 Respect, and released "One Four Love" as a response. Another excellent example speaks on the same subject. Bruce Springsteen's "American Skin - 41 Shots" addresses the issue of police brutality in a poignant and authentic way.

It seems that the best examples occur when the artists put themselves to the side for the sake of the bigger issue, and try to not make themselves bigger than the issue that they are speaking about. But when it goes wrong, it comes across as mealy-mouthed pandering, sycophantic blubbering, or ignorant jibberish. Adrienne Curry was just one example. Kanye West inexplicably received accolades for the simplistic "George Bush doesn't care about Black people" comment during the Katrina aftermath. The best part about it was that it was a live, unscripted moment. The worst was that it (temporarily) elevated Kanye to being more than just a whiny little brat who doesn't get enough recognition from industry circle jerks. One local critic (Jim DeRogatis, for those who read the Sun Times) even compared Kanye's outburst to the groundbreaking commentary by Chuck D. Seriously. Someone has to break it to DeRogatis that Kanye's "George Bush doesn't care about Black people" doesn't come close to the incendiary commentary from "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos", "Prophets of Rage", "Welcome to the Terrordome", and "By The Time I Get To Arizona." What was more disturbing was that people were applauding Kanye, as if he was the first rapper to speak about something other than being the Louis Vuitton Don.

Another example of a blurb being mistaken for in-depth social commentary came from Janet Jackson. In her "Rhythm Nation" song, she sang "Racism -- NO!", and the critics collectively wet their pants at Janet being so "bold" and "provocative." This was during the time that PE was in their heyday, so it's not as if she was the only one who ever spoke out on racism. "Racism -- NO!" is fluff and pandering disguised as outrage. It's like Frankenstein's monster giving a physics lessons on the properties of fire by saying "Fire BAD." That reminds me of yet another Kanye moment. He released two versions of "Diamonds are Forever." The first one was the typical ode to all things shiny. But he released a different version that came about as if someone whispered in Kanye's ear about what happens in Sierra Leone so that he CAN have those shiny trinkets. It came across as a bit contrived. Yet another example is Oprah's "Crash" moment. Now, I haven't seen the movie, but Oprah raising a ruckus about not being able to shop at a fancy couture store to get a purse after the store is closed is hardly comparable to being targeted for harassment by bigoted policemen.

Curtis Mayfield, James Brown, The Last Poets, Gil Scott Heron... all of these greats have tackled social issues in one form or another, and have done it well. These days, few are speaking out about things that affect them.

I kinda agree with Mos Def that more people should've been down there. His point about people only showing up en masse to promote their material (movies, TV, music) or their material gains was excellent. But conversely, you don't want a cerebral misfit speaking like a goofball and shifting the movement into reverse. You get enough of that from idjits like Quannel X (no, I haven't gotten over his peeing match with douchebag Guardian Angel Curtis Sliwa). I do appreciate the fact that Ice Cube sponsored buses to go down to Jena, almost under the radar (he could've easily made a big issue about it, and drew attention to himself, and using it to promote a project that he's working on ["Are We Played Out Yet?"]). David Bowie donated $10,000 to the defense fund. John Mellencamp has angered up the blood of the "good white folk" in Jena with his song "Jena (Take Those Nooses Down)." I can't imagine celebrity boobs (no pun intended) like Paris Hilton or whoever's starring in "Spiderman 4 -- It's Electro!" trying to pontificate on the ramifications of a racist power structure affecting the criminal justice system.

What would I love to see? A united hip hop front where feuds are buried and the best lyricists and producers come together to be modern-day Prophets of Rage, creating a brand new Terrordome. Imagine the fury of Paris, Ras Kass, Vakill, Jay Z, Kanye, Chino X, Pharoahe, Chuck, Brother J, The Lady of Rage, Bahamadia, and others coming together to lyrically indict and condemn what's going on down there. Imagine DJ Premier orchestrating the soundtrack for the new revolution.

Do I EXPECT celebrities to speak out on social issues? No, especially in this era of mainstream music and movies catering to the lowest common denominator. I would like to see especially Black entertainers take more chances and speak out on real injustice. The things in Jena, police brutality, racism, these are things that will affect a Black person, no matter how many Bentleys they own, or no matter how often they get Hermes purses on special order. Mos Def shouldn't have to scream from the mountaintops about the lack of participation. But sadly, that's the case. And these days, Chuck D's words from from PE's first album ring even more true: "Just growin'/not knowin'/about your past/now you're lookin' pretty stupid while you're shakin' your @$$..." (from "Rightstarter")

50 Cent, The Crybaby Gangsta, and Our Quarterback Is A Retarded Vagina

The Clash of the Titans is over. The numbers are in, and Kanye West's "Graduation" unequivocally beat 50 Cent's "Curtis." Of course, Kanye was being a whiny little snot complaining about not getting any MTV awards, and threatening to boycott MTV. But who knew that 50 Cent, the uber-hard "silverback" of the G-Unit family (and remember, the "G" stands for "Gorilla"), the same man who was shot 9 times, the same man who literally buried Ja Rule (but in an ironic twist, does the exact same thing he berated Ja Rule for)... who would've thought that the self-proclaimed "King Kong" of the music industry would be such an equally whiny crybaby?

After the numbers were in, ol' Curtis went off on a whine-fest of his own, according to the following news article:

Fif also managed to take a swipe at his record label, Interscope, during the VMA rant: "As far as the VMAs were concerned, Kanye received the upper hand. I ain't going to front. He had four looks — his song 'Stronger,' his new record 'Good Life,' he had a performance with Soulja Boy, 'Crank [That],' and then he came out with me. So I feel like Def Jam is doing a better job of promoting the CD than Interscope. Interscope is just relying on my base and the actual music. I was on the VMAs for one minute and 20 seconds. I should've just stayed home." ...

It turns out that Kanye had taken a page from Alonzo Harris (?) from "Training Day"... "I'm Kanye West... King Kong... ain't got NOTHIN... ON ME!!!" I actually would've loved to see Kanye go that route, but what's done is done. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is blaming more people than his "predicament" (if you can call selling over 600,000 records in your first week a real "predicament") than Joliet Jake when he was rattling off excuses in the sewer to his disgruntled girlfriend (see "The Blues Brothers"... one of the best Chicago movies ever made). I guess this is what hip hop has become. It's not enough that you get included in the industry circle jerks known as award shows. It's not enough that you go gold, and platinum won't be far behind. You gotta pitch a fit if you put out an unimaginative album, and blame everyone else but the actual artist. By all accounts, 50's "Curtis" is derivative, unimaginative, and it seems like he's phoning it in. Then again, I would imagine that it's hard for someone who made $400 million in a business venture to sound really hungry on the mic.

That's why I still keep my ear to the underground. El-P (a rapper who epitomizes the "backpacker" sound that guys like me appreciate) had an awesome video where he portrayed a torture victim at Guantanamo Bay. No video hoo-wuhrs, no bling, no Spidermanning and Supermanning, no things that are spinnin, nigga, dey spinnin'... it was a stark video. I wish I could remember what the song was about, though. But, I can just buy El P's new one and listen to it. Also, speaking of the underground, your favorite rapper's favorite rapper, the mighty mighty Pharoahe Monch is coming to town. And I am going to the show for free. It'll be a post-birthday birthday present to myself.

Rexual Dysfunction Time



A lot of noise is being made about Donovan McNabb's statement that Black quarterbacks are under more pressure than their white counterparts. Of course, he's right. I was reading a column by the Sun Times' Jay Mariotti, and he was saying that in some cases, white QB's are criticized just as heavily. During a "Family Guy" reading at the Chicago Theater, "Lois" called Rex a retarded vagina.

Now, in true Family Guy fashion, that is an insane description... but yet, it fits Bad Rex like a glove. Here's the thing, though. Despite the fact that white QB's face their share of criticism, you best believe that there's a difference in execution. If Donovan McNabb played as badly as Rex has this season (geesh... it's gonna be a long one), McNabb would be lucky to get a gym teacher position in the Chicago Public School system. But with Rex, and with most white quarterbacks, they are allowed to flounder more, they are given more chances to improve, and in most cases (save for QB that was traded to Cleveland, I think), they aren't told to sit down somewhere. Rex should be sitting down, while Brian Griese or Kyle Orton should be stepping up. After all, you can't expect a retarded vagina to do anything productive. Just ask Britney Spears. Heh.

And with that, I'm out.

Quit Smoking - The Gay Way?!?

There I was on the bus, and I saw a poster advocating that people quit smoking. That's all fine and dandy, but what struck me was that this ad seemed to be focused towards the gay community, especially with its reference towards the whole LGBT thing.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but how in the world can someone promote a smoking-cessation effort geared towards homosexuals? What... are their brands of cigarettes different from the brands that heteros smoke? Instead of a Marlboro Man, do they have to deal with the ramifications of the Virginia Slims Woman (you've come a long way, baby!)...

...it just seems to me that this community always wants to add their own little niche to things. I guess that includes smoking and ways to quit.

Gates of Hell Welcome Newest CIO, Kenneth Lay

Gehenna – Kenneth Lay, who spent time on Earth as the founder of Enron, and who was convicted in the earthly judicial system for fraud, died July 6, 2006. His eternal soul was swiftly transported to the 9^th Circle of Hell, where he was welcomed for all of the misery that he caused humans on earth. Because of his eternal pledge to his dark lord and master, Satan, and the systematic destruction of humans on an almost global scale, Lay was immediately named Chief Infernal Officer, or CIO, a position specifically created for Lay’s brand of deception, greed, duplicitousness and chaos.

“Hail Satan”, minion-of-greed Raexus Maelfus exclaimed, when he heard about Lay’s arrival. “Dude, Lay is like a LEGEND down here. And for him to die before he serves one day in jail, man, Satan gets hooves-up on that one!”

Lay will bypass the usual custom of a millennium of suffering and anguish because of clauses in his contract. Lay, having unique foresight in selling his soul to the devil, insisted on a clause that stated that if he were convicted in the earthly realm, he would not serve a day in prison. His clause also stated that if he were indicted, then he bypasses the Infernal Torture Rites of the Damned. He was also promised an executive-level spot in the infernal realms, if he managed to have earthly pastors endorse him in his obvious guilt.

“This is similar to what the Earth residents called a ‘Golden Parachute’, but we call it the Brimstone Pitchfork”, because the contract signer who requests these clauses create the opportunity to ‘stick it’ to the Prince of Darkness, as it were”, stated Oxzyxz, Chief Counsel for Conscribed Souls. Oxzyxz continued, “Lay should be commended for his amazing foresight.”

As the Chief Infernal Officer, Lay’s duties will include the overseeing of the exchange of human souls for worldly wealth and power, global mayhem, and human suffering. Satan is reportedly pleased with Lay’s work on the earthly realm, and he looks forward to delegating some of the more hands-on infernal activities to a highly qualified person. The Lord of the Flies himself could not be reached for comment at press time.

American Idol Producers Launch New Reality Show

Hollyweird, CA (Aslow-ciated Press) -- Capitalizing on the publicity generated by Idol’s latest round of felonious contestants, including the Idiot Twins Derrell and Terrell Brittenum in the current season, and Trenyce and Corey Clark from the previous seasons, American producers Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe held a press conference to launch the newest spin on American Idol for the 2007 television season.




Fuller and Lythgoe announced the new “Oz Idol” in which wanted and/or convicted felons compete for a host of prizes. The prizes include a favorable parole hearing, a sympathetic jury, a night away from celebrity prison greeter Cumswalla, and a record deal. But this is a record deal with a twist, winked Fuller. With this record deal, the contestants get to have their criminal records expunged by as many as seven states.

Trenyce and Clark, already bound to servitude by their previous contract with the American Idol producers, have already “agreed” to perform, and producers are hoping that the Brittenum Brothers will understand that the second chance given to them comes with a price. “We’re not going to hold it over the Brittenum Brothers’ heads about how we gave them a second chance, but we do hope that they understand quid pro quo.”

Through their lawyers, the Brittenums were “enthusiastic” about their chances to repay the Idol producers for their kindness.

Details are sketchy with regards to the show, but early reports reveal that the early rounds will take place in county jails and low-level prisons across the country. Currently, there are no limits as to who can participate. Tronsavius “Shankums OG” Jones, who was convicted on 183 counts of animal sodomy and battery, could earn a pardon from the Supermax Prison in Marion, IL to compete against Mickey “Shifty One-Eye” O’Shane during the “Don’t Drop The Soap” competition. Jones, who previous won prison contests for best sodomy and most innovative use of jailhouse tattoos, hopes to parlay his angelic voice into a chance at parole, or at least a week or two away from solitary confinement.

Fox hopes to start airing the try-outs in early 2007, as soon as the state and federal government grants the network the proper clearance, and the charges emanating from the riots are addressed in court. Fuller added that America will be delighted to see what happened when Ronald Isley showed up at the auditions.

Celebrity judges will include Cumswalla, O.J. Simpson, Li'l Kim, and Leif Garrett.

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND NOMOSEXUAL CELEBRATION

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND -- NOMOSEXUALITY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED

Friday, November 24, 2005

by D.S. Bakkup

(CHICAGO - Roiders, nucca) Empowered by the United States Supreme Court's 6-3 decision to strike down sodomy laws across the nation, and further emboldened by acts such as Gay Pride parades nationwide, a new advocacy group is emerging across the country.

Sexual abstinence advocates nationwide united under the newly formed umbrella organization Judiciously Abstinent Group Organizing For Fairness (J.A.G.O.F.F.). Its first president, Tyson Eddington, claimed that from this day forward, people who practice abstinence will be known as NOMOSEXUALS who engage in NOMOSEXUAL activity. J.A.G.O.F.F.'s first official duty will be to form lobbying committees for all of the major political parties.

"We're hoping to get Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich to represent us for the Democrats and Republicans, respectively. Gingrich said that he may be interested in speaking on our behalf down the road, "maybe later." Attempts to reach Clinton were met with hysterical laughter and the words '...is you fuh-REAL?' peppered through the conversation", president Eddington sadly noted.

When asked about membership requirements, spokesman and recruitment chairman Walter Higginbotham said that "whether your abstinence is by choice, or by circumstance, you are more than welcome to join our group. All we ask is that you state that you aren't getting any, for whatever reason." Higginbotham, a 5' 2", 320-lb KFC aficianado, said that the choice for abstinence was easy for him, due to the fact that "girls just don't want to look beyond the surface to see the real me." President Eddington, who admits to not getting laid "since the last Presidential administration -- and it was just one time, at that", echoed Higginbotham's sentiment. "If we can have parades, and special treatments, and newly-updated PC language, and new hate crime laws to protect and celebrate homosexuality, and if we can have advertisements that clearly promote the hedonistic heterosexual lifestyle, where everyone's getting some but me, and it pisses me off -- but I digress -- if we can have all that, surely we can have legislation set up to protect the abstinent, and the chronically unattractive, who are prone to fits of abstinence."

The J.A.G.O.F.F. President was asked about the future of this group. Eddington stated that he would like to see fairness for nomosexuals, especially in the workplace. "Why can't someone who spends his spare time at home with a Kenya Moore poster and a bottle of Jergens get a tax break for not burdening society with children, or keeping court costs down by not speaking to women -- NOT because we're scared, but because of sexual harassment laws -- why can't we get a tax break?"

A few corporations have already hopped onto the "nomosexual" bandwagon. Johnson & Johnson's spokesperson Priscilla Watson stated that their company's tracking service shows that next to parents, single men are the biggest users of their product. "We wholly support the nomosexual lifestyle, and we are proud that our product plays such an integral part in nomosexual activity." Ralston-Purina, makers of various brands of cat food, agreed. Said brand executive Tom Conner, "...research shows that nomosexuals are, by and large, cat owners, and we want to do our best to include them in our umbrella of diversity." Porno king Larry Flynt, owner of the Hustler porn enterprise, added the following: "Since Hustler's inception, we feel that we have been a cornerstone of the nomosexual lifestyle. Our publications have always catered to nomosexuals around the world, and it is an extreme honor to continue to provide a service to this under-represented group."

"Instead of wasting time trying to seek satisfying, luscious, but wholly unfulfilling sex, we nomosexuals EMBRACE our nomosexuality, and we encourage others to do the same, or at least offered token support" Eddington concluded, before retiring to group offices with the latest copy of "Sistas 14" in tow.

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil
5 October 2005 10:00 PM and just just in time for the Daily Show

Crawford Ranch, TX (AP Diddy, and it don’t stop)

In a move that angered President Bush’s evangelical Christian voter base and baffled theologians and religious experts worldwide, the President announced that he is considering adding God’s Kingdom of Heaven to his Axis Of Evil.

The announcement came while Bush was on vacation in Texas, taking the time out to look out of a nearby window and count butterflies. He was reminded that he should be assessing Texas’ preparedness for upcoming Hurricane Rita. He was surrounded by high-profile leaders in the religious community when he made the announcement.

“Let’s look at this reasonably,” said Bush. “America is being devastated by these storms, and these storms have a history of coming onto American soil and wreaking havoc on innocent citizens. Even before terrorism was invented by Ay-rabs, we have been bombarded with all sort of natural ‘phenomena.’” At that point, Bush made the clichéd “quote marks” with his fingers. The President went on to say “I am going to do what no other President should have done, including that toad Bill Clinton. I am going to present this case to the United Nations, and prepare a team of weapons inspectors to be dispatched into the Kingdom of Heaven, so we can see what the heck’s going on up there.”

When asked about the logistics of sending live human beings to Heaven and expecting them to return, Bush was alarmingly optimistic. “How hard can it be to send a team of people to God’s Kingdom? I’m sure that we have dedicated individuals who will be willing to make the sacrifice, especially when they hear that Halliburton will be providing support and stipends for the obviously long journey. How long DOES it take for a plane or something to reach Heaven, Bishop?” A visibly stunned Bishop T.D. Jakes shook his head and sunk into his chair, pulled out his Ipod Nano, and spent the rest of the press conference listening to his “Sacred Jukin’ And Getting Your Holy Shake On” songs.

“I will use the same intelligence and data that justified our attack –er, liberation of Iraq. I hope that the Kingdom of Heaven, as well as its emissaries here on Earth, will cooperate fully with our team of investigators. But based on these ‘natural disasters’…” (again with the quote marks) “…it is apparent that someone up there hopes to do harm. Perhaps they don’t like our freedom. The evidence is there that our shores face a celestial threat like never before. Perhaps, somehow, Al Qaeda is responsible. If we don’t receive access to Heaven’s weapons program, including the building programs for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires and liberals, then we will have no choice but to consider that the Kingdom of Heaven does not have America’s best interests at heart. And if that’s the case, then this administration will have no choice but to classify acts of God as ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and to add Jehovah bin Laden and his regime to the Axis of Evil, putting them in the company of China, Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Canada and Hollywood. Especially Hollywood, except for the fine folks at the Fox Network.”

Pat Robertson, known throughout the world as the squinty-eyed lunatic who prayed for the deaths of Supreme Court Justices, attempted to redirect the President towards a more terrestrial target, such as Venezuela or Las Vegas. “Clearly, our President is just as disturbed by these natural phenomena as any one of us, especially when it happens here in America, and not in pagan underdeveloped third world hellholes like Calcutta, Somalia, or New York City. But our President is a God-fearing Christian, who clearly understands what happens when he attempts to question God’s wisdom. I’m sure that our President, who we all prayed for that he’d get elected, knows which side his bread is buttered on, if you catch my drift. Also, all President Bush needs to do is remember when Lucifer attempted to jihad the Kingdom, like some crazed celestial terrorist.”

President Bush was undaunted by the implication. “I appreciate Rev. Robertson’s concern, but the good reverend underestimates good old fashioned American savvy and intelligence. After all, God ordained the United States to be the superpower that it is. With that kind of blessing, we can take on any force that threatens this country. Even if that threat is from Heaven. Besides, if we were to engage in a protracted battle against the Kingdom of Heaven, what’s the worst that could happen?”

James Dobson, head of right-wing Christian group Focus On The Family, immediately denounced President Bush as a heretic and called for evangelical groups nationwide to support a more Christian, level-headed, God-fearing representative. When asked for suggestions, Dobson answered by saying “I hear that this Patrick Buchanan fellow is a pretty moderate guy. Perhaps Buchanan might be interested in running for President in 2008.”

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina
21 September 2005 7:49 PM, Just As So You Think You Can Dance Is On

New Orleans (Roiders) – In a press release from the Pearly Gates of Heaven, the Lord Of Hosts issued a statement denying that race was a factor in choosing the Gulf Coast as a target for Hurricane Katrina.

Addressing charges of racism and “selective apocalyptic prophetic fulfillment”, God reassured believers and nonbelievers alike that He did not strike the Gulf Coast because of America’s decadent lifestyle, the abandonment of the church, or the hedonism of Mardi Gras. “If I were to strike a region based on its lifestyle, wouldn’t it make sense that I would have shaken San Francisco into the Pacific Ocean, or sent a giant meteor to vaporize Las Vegas, or sent the bubonic plague to Pat Robertson?”

Democratic spokesmen and professional tragedy hustlers Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have leveled charges of racism against the federal government, due to its response in the wake of flooding in New Orleans. While neither minister blamed God directly, Jackson did have this to say: “The poor in New Orleans seems to have caught a case/of butt-whuppin’ of epic proportions because of race/It took Bush too long to show his weasely face/But who caused this to happen in the first place?” Longtime spokesmen for the King of Kings, apostles Peter and Paul, were incensed at the implication. Peter, traditionally given the role as gatekeeper to the Kingdom of Heaven, responded with “I know THAT nigga ain’t trippin’ like that… let’s just say that he has a WHOLE lot to answer for before he crosses THIS threshold.” A more subdued Paul expressed disappointment that men of God would imply that racism was a motive behind God’s actions.

The only thing that seemed to enrage Our Lord And Savior more than the accusation of racism was the opportunistic wolves in sheep’s clothing, using the catastrophe to further their own agendas. “I swear to Me, America is due for a come-up, but that time hasn’t come yet”, God said. “Look, you guys have seen what happens when I pour MY wrath out on an unjust nation. Ask Noah… I didn’t tell him that he should build up levees, because I was going to flood just one town. Ask Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah. I want these so-called ministers to do better. The fact of the matter is that I sent this hurricane because this is the season that I always send hurricanes. And furthermore, these ‘representatives’ are strangely silent when my other acts cause much more widespread devastation. Where are these folks when one of My mudslides buries an entire village under tons of Earth? Ironically enough, some of the same people that want to pin the whole thing on me are the same people whose policies LED to situations you are seeing in New Orleans – I’m looking at YOU, Pat Robertson. I’m looking at YOU, Republican party, and I’m looking at you TOO, Democrats.”

The Lord Jehovah went on to praise the efforts of General Honore, confirming that the general is “a take-no-prisoners soldier who I created to deal with those Me-damned idiots down there.”

The spirited communiqué ended with The Lord blasting Pat Robertson for his unreasonable requests. “Look, Pat. You need to stop talking to me about filling the Supreme Court bench. I am the Lord of Hosts, creator of the Universe. Do you think I am your valet, taking people out of here because YOU asked? It was Rehnquist’s time, and everyone knew that. Just like it’ll be YOUR time in exactly… I don’t want to get ahead of Myself, Pat. But if you keep it up, I’ll have to violate my Supreme HIPAA regulations and tell your followers about a certain time involving you, high heeled shoes, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, 2 drunken dwarves and the three-legged donkey. You know what I’m talking about, Pat.”

Before any reporters could ask questions, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unleashed a plague of locusts on the reporters, causing them to scatter. God warned that the next time He has to address people in this fashion, “it will not be pretty. Sodom and Gomorrah will look like an episode of Bob Vila’s ‘This Old House’ by comparison.”