ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND NOMOSEXUAL CELEBRATION

ABSTINENCE ADVOCATES DEMAND -- NOMOSEXUALITY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED

Friday, November 24, 2005

by D.S. Bakkup

(CHICAGO - Roiders, nucca) Empowered by the United States Supreme Court's 6-3 decision to strike down sodomy laws across the nation, and further emboldened by acts such as Gay Pride parades nationwide, a new advocacy group is emerging across the country.

Sexual abstinence advocates nationwide united under the newly formed umbrella organization Judiciously Abstinent Group Organizing For Fairness (J.A.G.O.F.F.). Its first president, Tyson Eddington, claimed that from this day forward, people who practice abstinence will be known as NOMOSEXUALS who engage in NOMOSEXUAL activity. J.A.G.O.F.F.'s first official duty will be to form lobbying committees for all of the major political parties.

"We're hoping to get Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich to represent us for the Democrats and Republicans, respectively. Gingrich said that he may be interested in speaking on our behalf down the road, "maybe later." Attempts to reach Clinton were met with hysterical laughter and the words '...is you fuh-REAL?' peppered through the conversation", president Eddington sadly noted.

When asked about membership requirements, spokesman and recruitment chairman Walter Higginbotham said that "whether your abstinence is by choice, or by circumstance, you are more than welcome to join our group. All we ask is that you state that you aren't getting any, for whatever reason." Higginbotham, a 5' 2", 320-lb KFC aficianado, said that the choice for abstinence was easy for him, due to the fact that "girls just don't want to look beyond the surface to see the real me." President Eddington, who admits to not getting laid "since the last Presidential administration -- and it was just one time, at that", echoed Higginbotham's sentiment. "If we can have parades, and special treatments, and newly-updated PC language, and new hate crime laws to protect and celebrate homosexuality, and if we can have advertisements that clearly promote the hedonistic heterosexual lifestyle, where everyone's getting some but me, and it pisses me off -- but I digress -- if we can have all that, surely we can have legislation set up to protect the abstinent, and the chronically unattractive, who are prone to fits of abstinence."

The J.A.G.O.F.F. President was asked about the future of this group. Eddington stated that he would like to see fairness for nomosexuals, especially in the workplace. "Why can't someone who spends his spare time at home with a Kenya Moore poster and a bottle of Jergens get a tax break for not burdening society with children, or keeping court costs down by not speaking to women -- NOT because we're scared, but because of sexual harassment laws -- why can't we get a tax break?"

A few corporations have already hopped onto the "nomosexual" bandwagon. Johnson & Johnson's spokesperson Priscilla Watson stated that their company's tracking service shows that next to parents, single men are the biggest users of their product. "We wholly support the nomosexual lifestyle, and we are proud that our product plays such an integral part in nomosexual activity." Ralston-Purina, makers of various brands of cat food, agreed. Said brand executive Tom Conner, "...research shows that nomosexuals are, by and large, cat owners, and we want to do our best to include them in our umbrella of diversity." Porno king Larry Flynt, owner of the Hustler porn enterprise, added the following: "Since Hustler's inception, we feel that we have been a cornerstone of the nomosexual lifestyle. Our publications have always catered to nomosexuals around the world, and it is an extreme honor to continue to provide a service to this under-represented group."

"Instead of wasting time trying to seek satisfying, luscious, but wholly unfulfilling sex, we nomosexuals EMBRACE our nomosexuality, and we encourage others to do the same, or at least offered token support" Eddington concluded, before retiring to group offices with the latest copy of "Sistas 14" in tow.

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil

President Bush To Add Kingdom Of Heaven To Axis Of Evil
5 October 2005 10:00 PM and just just in time for the Daily Show

Crawford Ranch, TX (AP Diddy, and it don’t stop)

In a move that angered President Bush’s evangelical Christian voter base and baffled theologians and religious experts worldwide, the President announced that he is considering adding God’s Kingdom of Heaven to his Axis Of Evil.

The announcement came while Bush was on vacation in Texas, taking the time out to look out of a nearby window and count butterflies. He was reminded that he should be assessing Texas’ preparedness for upcoming Hurricane Rita. He was surrounded by high-profile leaders in the religious community when he made the announcement.

“Let’s look at this reasonably,” said Bush. “America is being devastated by these storms, and these storms have a history of coming onto American soil and wreaking havoc on innocent citizens. Even before terrorism was invented by Ay-rabs, we have been bombarded with all sort of natural ‘phenomena.’” At that point, Bush made the clichéd “quote marks” with his fingers. The President went on to say “I am going to do what no other President should have done, including that toad Bill Clinton. I am going to present this case to the United Nations, and prepare a team of weapons inspectors to be dispatched into the Kingdom of Heaven, so we can see what the heck’s going on up there.”

When asked about the logistics of sending live human beings to Heaven and expecting them to return, Bush was alarmingly optimistic. “How hard can it be to send a team of people to God’s Kingdom? I’m sure that we have dedicated individuals who will be willing to make the sacrifice, especially when they hear that Halliburton will be providing support and stipends for the obviously long journey. How long DOES it take for a plane or something to reach Heaven, Bishop?” A visibly stunned Bishop T.D. Jakes shook his head and sunk into his chair, pulled out his Ipod Nano, and spent the rest of the press conference listening to his “Sacred Jukin’ And Getting Your Holy Shake On” songs.

“I will use the same intelligence and data that justified our attack –er, liberation of Iraq. I hope that the Kingdom of Heaven, as well as its emissaries here on Earth, will cooperate fully with our team of investigators. But based on these ‘natural disasters’…” (again with the quote marks) “…it is apparent that someone up there hopes to do harm. Perhaps they don’t like our freedom. The evidence is there that our shores face a celestial threat like never before. Perhaps, somehow, Al Qaeda is responsible. If we don’t receive access to Heaven’s weapons program, including the building programs for hurricanes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires and liberals, then we will have no choice but to consider that the Kingdom of Heaven does not have America’s best interests at heart. And if that’s the case, then this administration will have no choice but to classify acts of God as ‘weapons of mass destruction’ and to add Jehovah bin Laden and his regime to the Axis of Evil, putting them in the company of China, Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Canada and Hollywood. Especially Hollywood, except for the fine folks at the Fox Network.”

Pat Robertson, known throughout the world as the squinty-eyed lunatic who prayed for the deaths of Supreme Court Justices, attempted to redirect the President towards a more terrestrial target, such as Venezuela or Las Vegas. “Clearly, our President is just as disturbed by these natural phenomena as any one of us, especially when it happens here in America, and not in pagan underdeveloped third world hellholes like Calcutta, Somalia, or New York City. But our President is a God-fearing Christian, who clearly understands what happens when he attempts to question God’s wisdom. I’m sure that our President, who we all prayed for that he’d get elected, knows which side his bread is buttered on, if you catch my drift. Also, all President Bush needs to do is remember when Lucifer attempted to jihad the Kingdom, like some crazed celestial terrorist.”

President Bush was undaunted by the implication. “I appreciate Rev. Robertson’s concern, but the good reverend underestimates good old fashioned American savvy and intelligence. After all, God ordained the United States to be the superpower that it is. With that kind of blessing, we can take on any force that threatens this country. Even if that threat is from Heaven. Besides, if we were to engage in a protracted battle against the Kingdom of Heaven, what’s the worst that could happen?”

James Dobson, head of right-wing Christian group Focus On The Family, immediately denounced President Bush as a heretic and called for evangelical groups nationwide to support a more Christian, level-headed, God-fearing representative. When asked for suggestions, Dobson answered by saying “I hear that this Patrick Buchanan fellow is a pretty moderate guy. Perhaps Buchanan might be interested in running for President in 2008.”

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina

God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina
21 September 2005 7:49 PM, Just As So You Think You Can Dance Is On

New Orleans (Roiders) – In a press release from the Pearly Gates of Heaven, the Lord Of Hosts issued a statement denying that race was a factor in choosing the Gulf Coast as a target for Hurricane Katrina.

Addressing charges of racism and “selective apocalyptic prophetic fulfillment”, God reassured believers and nonbelievers alike that He did not strike the Gulf Coast because of America’s decadent lifestyle, the abandonment of the church, or the hedonism of Mardi Gras. “If I were to strike a region based on its lifestyle, wouldn’t it make sense that I would have shaken San Francisco into the Pacific Ocean, or sent a giant meteor to vaporize Las Vegas, or sent the bubonic plague to Pat Robertson?”

Democratic spokesmen and professional tragedy hustlers Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have leveled charges of racism against the federal government, due to its response in the wake of flooding in New Orleans. While neither minister blamed God directly, Jackson did have this to say: “The poor in New Orleans seems to have caught a case/of butt-whuppin’ of epic proportions because of race/It took Bush too long to show his weasely face/But who caused this to happen in the first place?” Longtime spokesmen for the King of Kings, apostles Peter and Paul, were incensed at the implication. Peter, traditionally given the role as gatekeeper to the Kingdom of Heaven, responded with “I know THAT nigga ain’t trippin’ like that… let’s just say that he has a WHOLE lot to answer for before he crosses THIS threshold.” A more subdued Paul expressed disappointment that men of God would imply that racism was a motive behind God’s actions.

The only thing that seemed to enrage Our Lord And Savior more than the accusation of racism was the opportunistic wolves in sheep’s clothing, using the catastrophe to further their own agendas. “I swear to Me, America is due for a come-up, but that time hasn’t come yet”, God said. “Look, you guys have seen what happens when I pour MY wrath out on an unjust nation. Ask Noah… I didn’t tell him that he should build up levees, because I was going to flood just one town. Ask Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah. I want these so-called ministers to do better. The fact of the matter is that I sent this hurricane because this is the season that I always send hurricanes. And furthermore, these ‘representatives’ are strangely silent when my other acts cause much more widespread devastation. Where are these folks when one of My mudslides buries an entire village under tons of Earth? Ironically enough, some of the same people that want to pin the whole thing on me are the same people whose policies LED to situations you are seeing in New Orleans – I’m looking at YOU, Pat Robertson. I’m looking at YOU, Republican party, and I’m looking at you TOO, Democrats.”

The Lord Jehovah went on to praise the efforts of General Honore, confirming that the general is “a take-no-prisoners soldier who I created to deal with those Me-damned idiots down there.”

The spirited communiqué ended with The Lord blasting Pat Robertson for his unreasonable requests. “Look, Pat. You need to stop talking to me about filling the Supreme Court bench. I am the Lord of Hosts, creator of the Universe. Do you think I am your valet, taking people out of here because YOU asked? It was Rehnquist’s time, and everyone knew that. Just like it’ll be YOUR time in exactly… I don’t want to get ahead of Myself, Pat. But if you keep it up, I’ll have to violate my Supreme HIPAA regulations and tell your followers about a certain time involving you, high heeled shoes, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, 2 drunken dwarves and the three-legged donkey. You know what I’m talking about, Pat.”

Before any reporters could ask questions, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unleashed a plague of locusts on the reporters, causing them to scatter. God warned that the next time He has to address people in this fashion, “it will not be pretty. Sodom and Gomorrah will look like an episode of Bob Vila’s ‘This Old House’ by comparison.”