God Denies Charges Of Racism, Wrath In Hurricane Katrina
21 September 2005 7:49 PM, Just As So You Think You Can Dance Is On
New Orleans (Roiders) – In a press release from the Pearly Gates of Heaven, the Lord Of Hosts issued a statement denying that race was a factor in choosing the Gulf Coast as a target for Hurricane Katrina.
Addressing charges of racism and “selective apocalyptic prophetic fulfillment”, God reassured believers and nonbelievers alike that He did not strike the Gulf Coast because of America’s decadent lifestyle, the abandonment of the church, or the hedonism of Mardi Gras. “If I were to strike a region based on its lifestyle, wouldn’t it make sense that I would have shaken San Francisco into the Pacific Ocean, or sent a giant meteor to vaporize Las Vegas, or sent the bubonic plague to Pat Robertson?”
Democratic spokesmen and professional tragedy hustlers Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have leveled charges of racism against the federal government, due to its response in the wake of flooding in New Orleans. While neither minister blamed God directly, Jackson did have this to say: “The poor in New Orleans seems to have caught a case/of butt-whuppin’ of epic proportions because of race/It took Bush too long to show his weasely face/But who caused this to happen in the first place?” Longtime spokesmen for the King of Kings, apostles Peter and Paul, were incensed at the implication. Peter, traditionally given the role as gatekeeper to the Kingdom of Heaven, responded with “I know THAT nigga ain’t trippin’ like that… let’s just say that he has a WHOLE lot to answer for before he crosses THIS threshold.” A more subdued Paul expressed disappointment that men of God would imply that racism was a motive behind God’s actions.
The only thing that seemed to enrage Our Lord And Savior more than the accusation of racism was the opportunistic wolves in sheep’s clothing, using the catastrophe to further their own agendas. “I swear to Me, America is due for a come-up, but that time hasn’t come yet”, God said. “Look, you guys have seen what happens when I pour MY wrath out on an unjust nation. Ask Noah… I didn’t tell him that he should build up levees, because I was going to flood just one town. Ask Lot about Sodom and Gomorrah. I want these so-called ministers to do better. The fact of the matter is that I sent this hurricane because this is the season that I always send hurricanes. And furthermore, these ‘representatives’ are strangely silent when my other acts cause much more widespread devastation. Where are these folks when one of My mudslides buries an entire village under tons of Earth? Ironically enough, some of the same people that want to pin the whole thing on me are the same people whose policies LED to situations you are seeing in New Orleans – I’m looking at YOU, Pat Robertson. I’m looking at YOU, Republican party, and I’m looking at you TOO, Democrats.”
The Lord Jehovah went on to praise the efforts of General Honore, confirming that the general is “a take-no-prisoners soldier who I created to deal with those Me-damned idiots down there.”
The spirited communiqué ended with The Lord blasting Pat Robertson for his unreasonable requests. “Look, Pat. You need to stop talking to me about filling the Supreme Court bench. I am the Lord of Hosts, creator of the Universe. Do you think I am your valet, taking people out of here because YOU asked? It was Rehnquist’s time, and everyone knew that. Just like it’ll be YOUR time in exactly… I don’t want to get ahead of Myself, Pat. But if you keep it up, I’ll have to violate my Supreme HIPAA regulations and tell your followers about a certain time involving you, high heeled shoes, a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, 2 drunken dwarves and the three-legged donkey. You know what I’m talking about, Pat.”
Before any reporters could ask questions, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse unleashed a plague of locusts on the reporters, causing them to scatter. God warned that the next time He has to address people in this fashion, “it will not be pretty. Sodom and Gomorrah will look like an episode of Bob Vila’s ‘This Old House’ by comparison.”
