Thursday, July 06, 2006

Gates of Hell Welcome Newest CIO, Kenneth Lay

Gehenna – Kenneth Lay, who spent time on Earth as the founder of Enron, and who was convicted in the earthly judicial system for fraud, died July 6, 2006. His eternal soul was swiftly transported to the 9th Circle of Hell, where he was welcomed for all of the misery that he caused humans on earth. Because of his eternal pledge to his dark lord and master, Satan, and the systematic destruction of humans on an almost global scale, Lay was immediately named Chief Infernal Officer, or CIO, a position specifically created for Lay’s brand of deception, greed, duplicitousness and chaos.

“Hail Satan”, minion-of-greed Raexus Maelfus exclaimed, when he heard about Lay’s arrival. “Dude, Lay is like a LEGEND down here. And for him to die before he serves one day in jail, man, Satan gets hooves-up on that one!”

Lay will bypass the usual custom of a millennium of suffering and anguish because of clauses in his contract. Lay, having unique foresight in selling his soul to the devil, insisted on a clause that stated that if he were convicted in the earthly realm, he would not serve a day in prison. His clause also stated that if he were indicted, then he bypasses the Infernal Torture Rites of the Damned. He was also promised an executive-level spot in the infernal realms, if he managed to have earthly pastors endorse him in his obvious guilt.

“This is similar to what the Earth residents called a ‘Golden Parachute’, but we call it the Brimstone Pitchfork”, because the contract signer who requests these clauses create the opportunity to ‘stick it’ to the Prince of Darkness, as it were”, stated Oxzyxz, Chief Counsel for Conscribed Souls. Oxzyxz continued, “Lay should be commended for his amazing foresight.”

As the Chief Infernal Officer, Lay’s duties will include the overseeing of the exchange of human souls for worldly wealth and power, global mayhem, and human suffering. Satan is reportedly pleased with Lay’s work on the earthly realm, and he looks forward to delegating some of the more hands-on infernal activities to a highly qualified person. The Lord of the Flies himself could not be reached for comment at press time.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

American Idol Producers Launch New Reality Show

Hollyweird, CA (Aslow-ciated Press) -- Capitalizing on the publicity generated by Idol’s latest round of felonious contestants, including the Idiot Twins Derrell and Terrell Brittenum in the current season, and Trenyce and Corey Clark from the previous seasons, American producers Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe held a press conference to launch the newest spin on American Idol for the 2007 television season.




Fuller and Lythgoe announced the new “Oz Idol” in which wanted and/or convicted felons compete for a host of prizes. The prizes include a favorable parole hearing, a sympathetic jury, a night away from celebrity prison greeter Cumswalla, and a record deal. But this is a record deal with a twist, winked Fuller. With this record deal, the contestants get to have their criminal records expunged by as many as seven states.

Trenyce and Clark, already bound to servitude by their previous contract with the American Idol producers, have already “agreed” to perform, and producers are hoping that the Brittenum Brothers will understand that the second chance given to them comes with a price. “We’re not going to hold it over the Brittenum Brothers’ heads about how we gave them a second chance, but we do hope that they understand quid pro quo.”

Through their lawyers, the Brittenums were “enthusiastic” about their chances to repay the Idol producers for their kindness.

Details are sketchy with regards to the show, but early reports reveal that the early rounds will take place in county jails and low-level prisons across the country. Currently, there are no limits as to who can participate. Tronsavius “Shankums OG” Jones, who was convicted on 183 counts of animal sodomy and battery, could earn a pardon from the Supermax Prison in Marion, IL to compete against Mickey “Shifty One-Eye” O’Shane during the “Don’t Drop The Soap” competition. Jones, who previous won prison contests for best sodomy and most innovative use of jailhouse tattoos, hopes to parlay his angelic voice into a chance at parole, or at least a week or two away from solitary confinement.

Fox hopes to start airing the try-outs in early 2007, as soon as the state and federal government grants the network the proper clearance, and the charges emanating from the riots are addressed in court. Fuller added that America will be delighted to see what happened when Ronald Isley showed up at the auditions.

Celebrity judges will include Cumswalla, O.J. Simpson, Li'l Kim, and Leif Garrett.