Thursday, September 20, 2007

50 Cent, The Crybaby Gangsta, and Our Quarterback Is A Retarded Vagina



The Clash of the Titans is over. The numbers are in, and Kanye West's "Graduation" unequivocally beat 50 Cent's "Curtis." Of course, Kanye was being a whiny little snot complaining about not getting any MTV awards, and threatening to boycott MTV. But who knew that 50 Cent, the uber-hard "silverback" of the G-Unit family (and remember, the "G" stands for "Gorilla"), the same man who was shot 9 times, the same man who literally buried Ja Rule (but in an ironic twist, does the exact same thing he berated Ja Rule for)... who would've thought that the self-proclaimed "King Kong" of the music industry would be such an equally whiny crybaby?

After the numbers were in, ol' Curtis went off on a whine-fest of his own, according to the following news article:

Fif also managed to take a swipe at his record label, Interscope, during the VMA rant: "As far as the VMAs were concerned, Kanye received the upper hand. I ain't going to front. He had four looks — his song 'Stronger,' his new record 'Good Life,' he had a performance with Soulja Boy, 'Crank [That],' and then he came out with me. So I feel like Def Jam is doing a better job of promoting the CD than Interscope. Interscope is just relying on my base and the actual music. I was on the VMAs for one minute and 20 seconds. I should've just stayed home." ...
It turns out that Kanye had taken a page from Alonzo Harris (?) from "Training Day"... "I'm Kanye West... King Kong... ain't got NOTHIN... ON ME!!!" I actually would've loved to see Kanye go that route, but what's done is done. Meanwhile, 50 Cent is blaming more people than his "predicament" (if you can call selling over 600,000 records in your first week a real "predicament") than Joliet Jake when he was rattling off excuses in the sewer to his disgruntled girlfriend (see "The Blues Brothers"... one of the best Chicago movies ever made). I guess this is what hip hop has become. It's not enough that you get included in the industry circle jerks known as award shows. It's not enough that you go gold, and platinum won't be far behind. You gotta pitch a fit if you put out an unimaginative album, and blame everyone else but the actual artist. By all accounts, 50's "Curtis" is derivative, unimaginative, and it seems like he's phoning it in. Then again, I would imagine that it's hard for someone who made $400 million in a business venture to sound really hungry on the mic.

That's why I still keep my ear to the underground. El-P (a rapper who epitomizes the "backpacker" sound that guys like me appreciate) had an awesome video where he portrayed a torture victim at Guantanamo Bay. No video hoo-wuhrs, no bling, no Spidermanning and Supermanning, no things that are spinnin, nigga, dey spinnin'... it was a stark video. I wish I could remember what the song was about, though. But, I can just buy El P's new one and listen to it. Also, speaking of the underground, your favorite rapper's favorite rapper, the mighty mighty Pharoahe Monch is coming to town. And I am going to the show for free. It'll be a post-birthday birthday present to myself.

Rexual Dysfunction Time



A lot of noise is being made about Donovan McNabb's statement that Black quarterbacks are under more pressure than their white counterparts. Of course, he's right. I was reading a column by the Sun Times' Jay Mariotti, and he was saying that in some cases, white QB's are criticized just as heavily. During a "Family Guy" reading at the Chicago Theater, "Lois" called Rex a retarded vagina.

Now, in true Family Guy fashion, that is an insane description... but yet, it fits Bad Rex like a glove. Here's the thing, though. Despite the fact that white QB's face their share of criticism, you best believe that there's a difference in execution. If Donovan McNabb played as badly as Rex has this season (geesh... it's gonna be a long one), McNabb would be lucky to get a gym teacher position in the Chicago Public School system. But with Rex, and with most white quarterbacks, they are allowed to flounder more, they are given more chances to improve, and in most cases (save for QB that was traded to Cleveland, I think), they aren't told to sit down somewhere. Rex should be sitting down, while Brian Griese or Kyle Orton should be stepping up. After all, you can't expect a retarded vagina to do anything productive. Just ask Britney Spears. Heh.

And with that, I'm out.